Have you
ever longed for something so desperately that it made you feel sick inside?
For me, it almost doesn’t make sense. While most of the world is longing
for wealth, freedom, or love, I am longing to be in a place that lacks all of
the above.
A small part of me has always felt a little bit backwards, but after
spending a year living the life I was created for, I have almost forgotten how
to go about my daily life with that burning desire lurking inside of me.
Let me begin by saying that I am incredibly blessed. I have a
comfortable home, a sweet puppy to always greet me at the door, food on the
table, a job to provide, a church that I adore, and most importantly, a family
that loves and supports me.
A couple of weeks ago, I was driving home late at night on Thanksgiving.
I was fighting the anger inside of me as I had just missed out on the one
holiday that my family would be spending together this year because of my silly
job. The tears streamed down my face, as I was angrier than I had been in a
long time. I was overwhelmed, stressed, exhausted, and all I wanted was to sit
around the table with my family that day. When I got home that night, everyone
was sitting around the family room waiting for me. My niece and nephew shouted
my name and ran into my arms, and all of my frustrations immediately ceased.
Even my grandfather stayed up for me. For the next day and a half, between the
leaf fights and late night games, all I felt was utter joy and peace being with
my family. For the first time in a long time, I was finally home.
About a month before that, I remember another visit I had at home. I was
sitting in the pew with my family at church, intently listening to Don’s
sermon, and this is what I wrote as he spoke:
“I knew how he was going to finish the sentence. It was a truth I had
learned many years ago, and a knowledge that has incessantly haunted my Spirit.
As the Preacher told our congregation about the ritual, the one where people
with AIDS sleep with infants to free themselves from the illness, I was
awestruck. My surprise did not come from the information, but rather from the
sound of gasps in disbelief by those that had never heard of this travesty.
Sometimes I forget that the sights I’ve seen and the memories I carry are not
common knowledge. The stories of the people I’ve met that run through my mind
on a daily basis are never heard unless they’re told. What good does my
experience do if it only sits in my mind, torturing me until my return?”
I often ask myself why I’m here now. Usually, I am quickly reminded that
it’s most likely not for me to know. The truth is, I’m not very happy with the
way things are going in my life. I don’t particularly like grad school, and I
wouldn’t choose to be working in a restaurant yet again, but for some reason,
this is where the Lord has placed me for a season. He has given me ART for
FREEDOM to continue to work on my passions, and I know He will use those
passions for good in the future, but for now, all I have is the truth that I am
walking in obedience and trust.
Dietrich Bonheoffer knew what it meant to suffer from separation. He
once said, “Nothing will satisfy
minds like ours except the satisfaction walking in the land upon which we have
laid our eyes…we are what we are and substitutes repel us; we simply have to
wait and wait…That is the only way, although it is a very painful one, in
which we can preserve our unimpaired relationships and our true vision of that
land for which we so desperately long.”
I believe there is some
truth to what he said, but I mostly believe that satisfaction is a choice, and
I am learning to choose joy. Like I said, I don’t love how things are, but if I
don’t open my eyes to what the Lord has for me in the here and now, then I am
closing myself off to any opportunity He may have waiting for me around the
corner. It may be torture writing papers and cleaning tables while waiting for
the day when I can return to the enslaved and set them free, but I trust that
the Lord has me here for a purpose, and for that I must be joyful.
So whether you are missing
a loved one, suffering financially, or simply struggling in this season, I
encourage you to choose joy.
And do not be
grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength.”
– Nehemiah 8:10
