We have less than a week left here in Arroyo Cano before we head back to San Juan. Before we came here I had struggled with idea of us coming but had told AIM staff that I would grow more if we did go to the mountains. I think it’s true, I’ve struggled daily with insecurities and I’ve struggled daily to let go and give God control.
Yesterday we came back from a trip up to Montacito and Los Frios where we had the opportunity to pray for and encourage fellow believers. Even in awesome moments like these where God is moving and directing us, I still struggle. The following is an excerpt from my journal:
Yesterday at lunch Gregorio said that one of us would be preaching last night (I would then have to translate) and it put me in a panic. I am still struggling to let go and trust God. I know that He’s helped me so much with Spanish and translation. However, I’m still not confident to do it nor do I totally trust God with this therefore that leaves me in the land of fear. I’ve never thought of myself as fearful but this trip has opened my eyes to this area of my life, and I don’t like what I see!
The entry ends with this question: What would it take for me to get passed myself and trust Him?
I’ve been asking myself this question since translating Nathan’s sermon last Sunday that was all about letting go and trusting God. He used the story of Elisha (1Kings 19:19-21) as an example. In verse 21 it says Elisha took his oxen and sacrificed them to God and used his plow as wood to burn the oxen on. Elisha totally destroyed his livelihood for God without knowing anything. He wasn’t promised something, nor did God give him a picture of what was to come, all Elisha knew is that he needed to leave nothing behind to be able to return to. He knew he had to let go of it all and trust.
I still want to rely on me and be independent; I think God is almost beating this out of me. My very instinct is to rely on my resources and my own confidence. God keeps saying to let go. I’m trying to, even though I’m not sure what that entails. I want to grasp this sooner rather than later, because that is what needs to happen. How can I show people God when I try to do it out of me? I can’t it’s that simple.
