As I sat around the pool with the 43 people I have had the privilege to lead for the last five months, and the 2 I have had the honor of leading with, I began to feel something welling up within me. It was more than the tears we were crying and more than the tears to come.
The whole night had been planned out by our raised up squad leader team. We didn’t have any idea what was about to happen. They passed around candles and Andy lit ones for Erin and me. We passed the flame around [or at least we tried until the wind stopped cooperating with us] symbolically passing the torch. Meghan, Diffee, Katie, Jaimie Rae, Major, and other people I can’t quite remember through my fuzzy tear filled memory, spoke words of truth and began to declare things about who I am, who Erin is. Through the dripping wax from my candle and my tears burning down my cheeks I couldn’t bring myself to believe that it was actually happening, it was our last night on the field. These people saw me in some of my best moments and some of my worst. And yet, they loved me. They saw exactly who I am, as God says that I am. For five months I shared with them the way I hear from God and interact with the Holy Spirit and they accepted it. They didn’t have to, and some of them would shake their head and say “That’s just Amanda.” But they got it. They knew me.
To continue in our night, they had Erin go to one side of the pool and me to another and people could come take a few moments and tell us things individually and kind of officially say “bye”. As I stood there receiving hugs, words of thanks, words of love, encouragement and tears I began to realize the mutual impact that had been made. As I realized this, I wept into Jaimie Rae’s shoulder as she spoke things to me that I needed to hear. At that moment in the background there was music playing. One of my favorite albums, one that I listened to on repeat for months, including the time leading up to squad leading. In one of the songs it says:
“Catch me up in Your story, all my life for Your glory…
Put me anywhere, just put Your glory in me,
I’ll serve anywhere, just let me see Your beauty”
As it played I realized that that moment was the fulfillment of that prayer and the promise from God that He would do just that. He had. He caught me up in his story. He was receiving the glory the whole time. He allowed me to see the beauty in the changes in the lives of 45 other people. If that doesn’t deserve some praise and some glory then I don’t know what does. I continued to worship and be filled with joy at what was happening. While I was sad, I was rejoicing in the depth and width and height and breadth of God. I gave out more hugs, and received more hugs. I heard things from people that made me feel so honored and overjoyed to have been able to serve them for five months. After that part we had cake and a dance party, because we were celebrating! To wrap up the night Erin and I were covered in prayer by our squad and released from them. They each wrote in a little notebook for us that we read the next day after they left.
There are few moments in my life that I can pinpoint exactly “in that moment I was loved beyond comprehension and I am worthy of that kind of love.” But the night of December 1st was one of those nights. The ironic thing is that my name literally means “worthy to be loved”. Over the last five months I have learned the depth of that. I was loved so well by D squad that I cannot even begin to describe to you what I feel. In return I loved them well. I still love them with a depth that cannot be measured. I have a love for my first squad, but my love for this squad is on a whole different level.
So, D Squad, thank you for giving me some of the most free, most joyful, most laughter filled, most honoring, most caring, five months of my life. You guys are epic and I am so proud of you!! I cant stress enough how proud I am. It has been an honor and a joy to watch God do a work in you, to serve next to you, to receive from you and to give you parts of my heart, and I can’t wait to see you!!
I am still fundraising to cover my expenses and to be able to go to Final Debrief in May in Cambodia. I still need $2000 to be fully funded. I am obsessed with these people if you can’t tell and I would love to be able to see them after 6 months of not seeing them to help encourage them, love them, and cheer them on through the finish line. Everything helps, I promise. If you can help, please click the support me link.
Much love,
-A
