as I looked back on some of my blogs from before I applied for the race [on my other blog], i found myself resonating once again with those words. Most of them could be summed up like this
“something big is coming, i think i know what it is, but maybe not, but maybe. i am scared. but im excited. but maybe not. but maybe yes? i don’t know what i’m doing. or do i? how am i going to do this? i am scared. i don’t want to do this. but maybe i do. i need a change”
there you have it. months and months of blogs summed up in three lines. i knew it was coming and shouldn’t have been so shocked when i finally did apply for the race. i always thought it could never be me. it would never be me. God wouldn’t choose me to do this. he wouldn’t want me to. i was:
too broken.
too fragile.
too much.
not spiritual enough.
not ready enough.
not trusting enough.
i couldn’t be a racer.
especially after my interview. i thought i totally bombed.
but then i got the call.
even after that i didn’t believe it.
i wasn’t going to be a racer.
or was i?
i masked my fear with excitement.
but i was really afraid.
i told myself enough that i was excited that i actually started to be.
i started getting attached to my squad.
i started really loving these people.
but certainly there was no way they could feel this way back.
they don’t even know me, right? surely they won’t feel this way when they know me.
i shared my story with one or two of these new friends.
they didn’t hate me.
they still loved me.
they still called me sister.
i waited for their comments that would bring on shame and embarrassment.
[it never came]
yet i continued with these anxious thoughts.
then camp happened.
camp.
well remember how my box exploded.
and shattered.
in the back woods of Georgia.
i learned how to declare truth over myself.
i was so afraid that i wasnt going to be loved because of my story.
the reality of it is that i am loved because my story has made me the person i am.
the reality is that I AM LOVED because MY STORY has made me THE PERSON THAT I AM!!
declarations are amazing. stating those truths. declaring them over yourself.
no matter how hard they are to say.
letting people speak that life into you.
declarations have given me the freedom of
not being ashamed of who i am.
not being ashamed of who i used to be.
not being ashamed of the woman that God is turning me into.
not being ashamed of how he has gifted me.
not being jealous that he hasn’t gifted me with some things.
i am so excited for the things that God is doing, not just in me but in my squad. this group of crazy, wonderful, eccentric, authentic, radical, beautiful people are my 39 other mirrors to remind me, even when i don’t remember, that i am God’s girl. he picked me. he chose me.
HE PICKED ME.
so here i am. trusting that his plans are better than mine. because obviously my decision making skills aren’t the greatest. but when i trust that his plans are better than mine it always works out. try out this whole declarations thing. i think you will like it. it can be loud… shouted from furniture…. in the woods. or it can be soft. a conversation between you and your Papa in your bedroom.
get excited about what he picked you for.
much love,
A
