My life is so weird.
Weird. Different. Not Ordinary. Strange.
A few weeks ago I was spending some time in Michigan and for the one week I got to hang out with many of my friends from college. Almost every one of them are married. Married. Settled. They either have children, have children on the way, or are planning to have children very soon. They live in or near the Forbes #1 city to raise a family in: Grand Rapids, Mi.
I am the one that leaves.
Sometimes I feel shame when I come home and visit them because I am not living out the same dream. I don’t have a family of my own. My life fits in a backpack that I take with me everywhere. I don’t have a house or even an apartment that is my own. I don’t have a car. My days are not centered around the hours that I work or the schedule of my significant other. When those feelings of shame and insecurity come up I have to remind myself that I am not less because my life is different. I am not less, but I am also not more. It is just different. It is easy to get caught up in what I am missing out on by living differently. The family that I don’t have yet, the fact that each wedding season comes and goes and I am still not the one wearing white. And yet, I continue to leave.
I come visit about once, maybe twice a year. I drink coffee and get dinner, I tell tales of far off lands, my stories seem distant. Sometimes I can’t get the right words out. My vocabulary doesn’t seem to contain enough depth to bring to life the faces I have seen and the babies I have held and the absolute ache in my soul for why I simply cannot stay put long enough to get married. During my visits I have to make a conscious effort to not start all my stories with “This one time in Thailand…” or say things like “Are you really complaining about that right now, I know at least 100 people who would have zero problem with that and you are just being picky and ungrateful.”
One night in Michigan, I was at dinner with three friends who were the people who got me through my freshman and sophomore years of college. They were there with me longer and we stayed friends, but I would not have been able to get through my first two years without them. These three friends and I had almost every class together. We spent hours doing homework and more hours laughing. They were my first example of Jesus loving community who saw the things I was doing and called me into greater things. They did this in such a loving way. They have seen me when I was probably the worst version of myself and they stuck with me and loved me anyways. As I sat with these friends and their spouses at dinner I just sat there in awe looking at how far we have come in the last 8 years. Our lives intertwined at a crucial point in our lives. The four of us are rarely together all at once anymore, but some things never change. Matt was still the one with all the jokes, Mike is still sassy, Crystal is still the sound mind, and I still love them ridiculously.
Sitting there with the six (those three and their spouses) of them, I listened to them talk about their jobs, their homes, their future families. I sat listening soaking up our time together. Honestly, it was nice listening to them talk about normal American life things. I didn’t speak up much about my life, and that was okay. I did catch myself feeling a little insecure though, but only for a moment. I was insecure that my stories don’t match up with theirs. But then I remembered a crucial thing. My stories don’t have to match theirs! My stories only have to match up with God’s stories for me, and they do!! That alone showed me how much I have grown in the last few years. I was able to catch myself midway through justifying my insecurity and remind myself that my life is just different. It is not bad, just different. My stories are just a different perspective on God’s provision and grace and peace, but He also fills my friends with those things as well.
Today is my last day in America before another 5 months of adventure and serving Jesus overseas. I am excited to get to do what I do. I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way right now. My life is weird. Today I am sitting in a hotel in Atlanta, Tomorrow I have no clue where I will be sleeping, but it will be in the Dominican Republic. Feel free to tag along in my adventures… Follow my blogs, facebook and instagram. I am excited to get to share my weird life with you.
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Much Love,
-A
