I feel like I’m playing hide and seek with the Holy Spirit.
When I was in El Salvador my team and the other two teams who were near our location experienced so much of the Holy Spirit it was epic. It kind of got us on a high. But I feel like since that month [month 2] I have been playing hide and seek with the Holy Spirit. Often we go back and forth who is hiding from who. But often I have felt like the Spirit was hiding from me. Let’s go back.
My life before the race:
I knew the Holy Spirit existed. I could tell you facts that the Bible says. Things like the Holy Spirit is our comforter; the Spirit gives us different gifts… whatever that meant. Before the race I had never encountered the Holy Spirit in crazy awesome ways that would scare many people I know. In the circles I have been in, we just didn’t talk about the Holy Spirit much. If we didn’t acknowledge him much he couldn’t blow up our lives. Essentially I had the Spirit in a box that I was totally okay with not touching. I figured if I just knew the box existed, that was good enough.
Training Camp:
My box was exploded at training camp for the World Race. You can read about that more in my blog from training camp: God likes explosives. Basically what happened was I saw people experiencing this Holy Spirit that was crazy… crazy in the way it manifested. Things like prophecy, tongues, laughter, tears, falling over, and many more things I don’t even remember. I didn’t understand what was happening. This wasn’t what I learned. This was not the boxed in Holy Spirit that I knew about. I was intrigued, but I didn’t know if I wanted anything to do with that. It was okay for other people, but not something I really desired. I couldn’t be that crazy… that stuff was weird. My theology told me otherwise. I honestly couldn’t help but stare at people when this happened. Eventually I noticed that what these crazy people had was attractive. I decided that I would pray for the Spirit to work in my heart and manifest in whatever way it would have in my life. Things didn’t get too crazy, at least for a while. But things were different. I began to hear God’s voice in a new way because I was listening in a new way. After training camp though, I was not in an environment to nurture this new found Holy Spirit, so I just kind of let it hide. I hid from the Spirit because I didn’t know how to let it out in the environment I was in. In that time God revealed more to me about my giftings in the spiritual realm. But that stuff still freaked me out.
Start of my race:
I was on a team with girls who welcomed and were comfortable and used to the way the Holy Spirit functions. They were not afraid to talk about the things that freaked me out. They listened to my questions and the encouraged me to pray about the ways God has gifted me and how I could begin to exercise them more in my everyday life and team life. I began to discover and dig into what was in store for me in this spiritual realm that I had never known about before. I felt free to ask questions and to be myself in the gifts I have. I started seeking after the Holy Spirit hardcore. I wasn’t just seeking, I was chasing him down desiring more and more.
Month 2, El Salvador:
In El Salvador we worked with an amazing church full of amazing spirit filled people. We were surrounded by people who encouraged us to walk with the Spirit in all situations. Our contact joined our feedback one night during our first week there. He gave me a prophecy [via google translate] that was almost word for word the same thing spoken over my by our previous contact’s wife in Guatemala. She has spoken that over me not even a week prior. It was just about why I have the gifts I have and that there is no reason to fear them. El Salvy was intense. We prayed a lot. We fasted. We worshipped. We poured a lot out, but we were also poured into so much. I felt like I found my niche in the Spirit in El Salvador.
Month’s 3-6, Honduras, Romania, Ukraine, Tanzania:
After we lefty El Salvador things slowed down in the Spirit. I felt like the Spirit started hiding more. Saying “I gave you a taste, you can have it, but you have to seek it.” I had to search harder to find him. I felt like I was growing deaf in hearing from the Spirit. Like there were other people who could have done a better job delivering the words than me because I started to be unsure. Eventually I let my circumstances dictate my actions and I gave up for a while. I felt I was suddenly surrounded by people who were not willing to cultivate the things the Holy Spirit wanted to do. People didn’t want it. So I smothered my desire for the Spirit. I stopped even looking.
One time I was playing hide and seek with some friends. They walked past where I was hiding four or five times and still they didn’t find me. They got bored of looking so they moved on to another game and didn’t even bother to finish looking for me. I felt like that is what happened. As if I didn’t feel like looking anymore because I was bored.
Month 6, Tanzania:
In Tanzania, I had expectations of the Spirit to show up. I wanted to force it. I decided that since I was looking for the Spirit and didn’t find him, I was going to force him to show up. I was going to walk in the gifts I knew I had whether I felt like the Spirit was actually moving in my heart to act on them or not. I was angry. I started acting on my gifts out of bitterness and anger. That didn’t work. I got called out big time. One of my squad leaders noticed what I was doing. She let me know what I was doing and reminded me that I needed to act out of an overflow of God’s love for me and my love for him. It wasn’t the Spirit truly moving if I was forcing it. So I stopped. I stopped it all. It hurt and it was weird to not be acting in the Spirit. I think it is strange how things go around. How six months prior I thought all of my gifts were weird and scary and now it was weird and scary to be operating outside of them. But it was good. It made me realize I was hiding again, when I thought I was in the open.
Months 7 and 8, Kenya:
I was found.
In Kenya I was found. I had some conversations with our pastor and his wife about the Holy Spirit. I had some conversations that showed me more of who I was created to be. The family we stayed with helped me to see that even when things are hard the Holy Spirit truly can be my comfort and that comes in all forms. It can come in the from of a 4 year old brushing my hair, or an 8 year old playing hand clapping games. It can come from the village children or the elderly people we met. I actually learned more about how the Holy Spirit is not always just wild and crazy, but that the Spirit is calm and collected, too.
Months 9 and 10, Thailand and Cambodia:
Here has been different. I am still learning how to hear the Spirit in new ways. But I am also learning how to when to let it flow and when things are just between him and I. It is a continual process but it has been awesome to go in an out.
These days the Holy Spirit and I are still playing hide and seek but it a much healthier game. Each hiding spot, when found reveals a deeper place in the heart of God and it takes me into a deeper relationship with God. If you feel like the Spirit is hiding from you, maybe you could do a little seeking… You will find him if you seek him
Much love,
-A
