I wish life was as easy as reading a book. Diving into the life of the characters would be so much easier than writing my own story. You see, here is the thing with me, I love a good book and most of the time I enjoy writing. But when a challenge comes up, or when I start reading another story I forget what mine was about in the first place and no longer have any desire to write my own. So often I get caught up in what other people are doing, I forget to live my life. I forget to write my own story. With some books you reach a spot where you think “wow is this every going to get any better? Maybe I should just put it down now…” I’m not going to lie. My story is kind of at that point right now. I have a choice. Put down the book and wait until later to pick it back up, or keep writing it. I can read all the blogs I want, I can read all the books I want, I can do all the devotions I want, but in the end it is up to me. Am I going to get up out of this rut that has cradled me for far too long, or am I going to stay comfortable with my spiritual life gathering dust on the shelf?
Lately it has been hitting me just exactly how much I will be giving up for this mission. A little over a week ago was my birthday. I spent the weekend with my very best friends. I saw people who know me, and love me anyway. I saw friends I haven’t seen in almost a year. I spent time with new friends. I ate at my favorite restaurants. I drove the streets that feel so much like home. I went to my west Michigan church that my heart has grown attached to. I revisited everything that I am giving up to go. It scared me. Doubt began to fill my mind. I have been rocked with news like mountains and valleys. Amazing, wonderful, beautiful news and terrible, horrible, no good, very bad news. Options that I have to give up. Opportunities that won’t come again that require me to say no.
So here I am.
Here I stand.
between a decision to become someone I don’t recognize
or to stay me for a little longer.
It is a constant battle.
Not easily fought.
Not easily won.
My pride all too often gets in the way of me sharing what is going on with people.
I try to work it out so that everyone is happy.
But right now I gotta work on the only relationship that I need.
Me and Jesus.
I know I won’t climb out of this by myself. The only way to do it is to grab his hand.
It’s time.
I am so over it.
So here’s to getting up, dusting off, pushing forward, pressing in, declaring life and truth and victory
over boredom.
over procrastination.
over finances.
over deadlines.
over soul ties.
over this mess of a person that I am.
amen.
-A
