“Here, let me pay for that…I know you don’t have any money.”
Support raising is a humbling experience. I’ve heard the above quote more than my fair share of times in the past few months. It comes from those who love me, from those who desire to share their generosity, who want to be a blessing to me in my time of need. It is a true statement, I really don’t have much money—I
am in need, but it is a rather interesting thing to look in the face on so many occasions.
And I thought I was poor
before this whole experience too! I dive into support raising with my last years earnings not even topping the $15,000 mark. Yes, I live below the poverty line. College students are used to this I think—this idea of living frugally…or at least trying to. Five dollar pizzas, ramen noodles, and student discounts everywhere make it pretty easy. How I grieve the loss of that student discount! 🙂
I’ve moved beyond college now. I’m a “real” grown up (whatever that means). There’s this expectation that I have all I need to provide for myself now that I have the degree under my belt. I’m afraid I’m falling short of many people’s expectations in this area. I’m simply not a money making machine. I lived my first year outside of academia as a prayer missionary. I made $800 a month from a stipend on an Americorps salary. Not exactly living the American dream…There is a simple truth here though: I had all I needed. …and so much more, in fact.
I never had to ask for help from others, never had to ask for cash—I wasn’t making lots of money, but I never had a need I couldn’t provide for on my own. And now I sit in this place of great need. There is a quiet understanding in my soul—I have less than others and I am poor. It stares at me in those awkward times when others offer to pay for my things. I am blessed by their gift, but I defiantly think, “I
can pay it.” I think I’m starting to get a taste for what it’s like to be poor. I can honestly say I don’t like it already and I haven’t even left yet.
I think of the people we’ll meet on this journey and I know I’ll be bombarded with overwhelming poverty. I know that even with only my pack on my back loaded with my four sets of clothes I will be rich to these people. They will look at me and think—I have less than her, I am poor.
Sometimes I long to just throw everything away and truly live among the poor as their equal—to toss away everything that’s of worth and rely then only on the provision of God. This is a nice, romantic thought that never moves beyond fleeting because I am scared. I know in my mind I’d be taken care of by my Lord, but I am not willing to test it. Or should I? What is required of me?
I pull an answer from my searing question from Micah 6:8
. “He has shown you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” This time has truly been a test of walking humbly with God. I know it is only the start and I know I have so much more to learn, but oh how I try to be humble!
Lord, continue to pull away the things of this world I cling to more than you. Teach me to be humble of heart before you and your people. Enable me to act justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly each day Father. I am so in need…so in need of you.
