Things are happening fast. It seems as though my time here dwindles so swiftly. In only days I must yet again say goodbyes. (and this is only the start of it all…) I cry out for “more time!! Please, let these last few moments be precious Lord! Can I not have just a bit more time?!” I wonder how I’ll function without this place. This is certainly a venture on uncharted waters for me. ahhh…leaving the flock…
For months here I have been listless, anxious even, excited to “get this adventure rolling already!” There have been wasted days and even boredom—things I usually try so hard to avoid. There have been days full of nothing much…and now as I’m nearing the end of my time in Cairo I want to cram everything in. I now have this urgency to spend these last moments filled with meaningful activity. Where was that intentionality weeks ago?
There is such a dichotomy raging within my heart. I don’t want to leave here but I can’t wait to go either. This place, this season has been so sweet and yet bitter. I hate it. I love it. I think the thing that stands out so vividly is HIS sweetness and my own bitterness. Daily I am fascinated at His fascination with me, His desire to spend time with me—and yet at times I respond so half-heartedly. I complain and say this isn’t good enough. I wonder why He’s left me here and yet marvel at how clearly I can hear His voice and how He draws away my heart. I cry out like a whiny crabby baby, yet I long to go past the milk and chew on the real meat. Ugh…I am so fickle. Most days I just wish I could make up my own mind. I’m excited! I’m scared. I’m ready! I’m not.
I realize that I’m glad I don’t make the plans. Oh, how I’d make a mess of things! I can’t even pack up my room in any real order! Imagine me trying to plot my course in life…yikes. I am so grateful that He has a plan for me—a plan to prosper me and not to harm me. I can’t understand that even-toned, confidence that oozes from this verse. (Jer. 29:11) He
HAS a plan…not He’ll make it up as we go, we’ll see what works, whatever happens…happens type of deal—NO! He has this and I need to stop being a whiny crabby baby long enough to just say yes to Him. Can I look away from me long enough to gaze upon Him and therefore gain the confidence that He has? Confidence not of me, but of Him. Will I trust? Will I grow up? Will I move beyond?
