I know I’m a work in progress. I know I have so much more to learn, but I’m also beginning to realize that the more I learn the less I seem to know. Does that sentence make sense? I know it seems like it doesn’t, but it does. Trust me on that one. Lately I’ve been seeing myself so much more clearly—living in community will do that to you. When the girls can’t even walk down the street without another person at any time of the day, you really begin to covet your old independent lifestyle back in the states. I never knew how selfish I was. Living life this way is like having a mirror placed perpetually before your face—you always see just what you really look like. There’s never a time that you don’t notice that big zit that’s forming on your face…you just get to watch it grow. People bring out the best and the worst in you. I’ll admit it freely, I’ve been ugly at times—my attitude and selfishness stick out like a whitehead ready to explode sometimes. The greatest thing about this life though is simply knowing it’s there. Come on, who wants to walk around with a giant zit on their face all day? Your
real friends wouldn’t let you walk around like that right? They’d let you know you need a little work before you head out the door. That’s really what we’re doing now—letting others see themselves as they really are, and yet loving them through it all. Honestly, I’d trade the independence and the self-reliance I have at home for this kind of living any day—I’m growing…and I really don’t have a choice. Either learn a lesson, grow, and become a better, more beautiful person or rebel, become bitter, and keep your ugly zitty face…your choice. I’d go for option 1 myself.
Another thing God’s been calling me to is more time with Him. I don’t know why this is hard, but I think if you read the above paragraph, it seems as though I like to make up my own mind about things. The deal is that God is calling me to come away with Him—it’s not that I want to rebel from this, frankly I’m ecstatic that He wants to spend time with me, it’s just that this requires a bit of work on my part. This means rearranging my schedule, this means taking time away from other things to spend with God, this means giving up my plans for Him. It’s hard finding true alone time in a group of 50 people, but I would do this so easily for a boyfriend wouldn’t I? Why is it so much more of a struggle when it’s the God of the Universe that wants to spend time with me?! It’s almost laughable, really. We humans are so fickle.
Lord, continue to stretch me. Continue to draw me away with you. I want to be more like you. I need you more than any other thing. Help me draw near to you. Give me a stronger desire to be with you. I do love you so. Make me into your likeness. May I see you when I stare into the mirror every day.
Cerra de la Cruz overlooking Antigua, Guatemala
