I haven’t been out of my tent before 8 a.m. the whole time I’ve been here. Mornings are just not my thing. It’s usually been a struggle for me to be ready in time for breakfast at 9:00. I know that’s a bit sad, but I always just want to keep lying down. You know… soak in the morning, read the word under the comfort of my covers and just be a bit slow and lazy. Don’t get too close to me in the mornings—I need some time to adjust to the daylight. I don’t like talking right away and I sure don’t relate to those overly chipper morning people who like to wake up 3 hours early and “get things done.” They pretty much have a full day in before I even roll over a few times and even
think about getting up.
Something happened today. It’s not even 8:00 and I’m out, writing and wondering around in the land of the living. I feel out of place. This is not my territory. I don’t know how to function here. However, I feel like this wasn’t my choice. Perhaps it was the cramping in my legs or the pain in my back from multiple nights in a tent that made me shoot out of bed this morning, but I honestly don’t believe this was the only impetus for moving my usually lazy butt out of bed.
I have this internal burning desire to be awake today…this is not me. I didn’t even get a full 8 hours last night! In fact, I had quite a restless sleep—God kept waking me up to pray. People kept coming to mind and I had little odd dreams with specific people in them. I know you might think this may be some nice coincidence or just a one nighter of restless sleep, but I assure you, I don’t feel the same way. God does this to me a lot.
Many nights I wake up burdened. I have a heaviness in my spirit that won’t go away until I pray. I guess it may just be one of the trademarks of being an intercessor. I don’t know how I found myself in this “job.” I never asked God to make me a “prayer warrior.” I always thought that gift was for the shy people who were too scared to do evangelism. Wow…has my perspective changed. Intercession was a word I couldn’t even accurately define a year ago and now I’m pretty much convinced that I am one. Funny how things change…
I really learned about prayer and intercession in the little community of Cairo, IL last year. When I signed on to work with Two Rivers Ministries (http://www.tworiversweb.com) I had no idea I’d be working as a prayer missionary. No one really did—God just brought us into it. Our leadership felt led to open a house of prayer in our community center and before you know it my job consisted of about 20 hours a week of prayer and worship.
I’ll be honest, I wasn’t thrilled at first. It was hard for me to even sit in the room for more than an hour. At times I felt trapped and even mad that I had to be praying instead of doing. I’d never really realized how much of a Martha I really was until then. I wasn’t a big fan of sitting for hours before the feet of Jesus. I mean, picture yourself sitting in front of some random person’s feet for six hours and what do you think?
…awkward…
I couldn’t do it. The awkward silence and the weirdness would freak me right out. This is why it was such a struggle for me at first. Sitting before Jesus was like sitting before a stranger. What a crazy concept for someone who’s been a Christian for over five years, eh? That’s how I felt too. I knew that I
should be able to do this, but the simple fact was that there just wasn’t enough love to make it not awkward.
Now picture a couple, two people completely in love and enamored with one another. Would they have a hard time sitting before the other person’s feet for hours on end? Gosh, it wouldn’t matter what they were doing as long as they were in each other’s presence, right? It’s their love that gives them a desire to be together. It’s love that takes away those awkward silences and brings comfort. I needed to realize this in my relationship with Jesus too. I needed to learn how to let Him love me.
Did you get that?
Let Him love me. This was a staggering concept, one that I was confident I had down after five years. Of course I loved Jesus and of course He loved me! But did I feel it? …No…not always… I wondered why I couldn’t hear His voice, why He seemed distant at times. I wondered what I was missing. Who knew that it was such a simple thing?
How many times have I read that verse that says, “Draw near to me and I will draw near to you…seek and you will find…” I believed it after reading it, but did I ever put it to the test? When I was finally forced to do it, I didn’t like what I saw. There I was, uncomfortable and hating that I looked so much more like Martha than Mary. If this sounds like you too, I want to encourage you—even the biggest Martha’s can look more like Mary’s with time. The key I’ve found is letting Jesus love you. This isn’t as easy as it may sound. It means spending time. It means resting in His presence and taking the word at face value. Test him. Just try drawing near to Him and see if He comes nearer to you. I’d put all my money on it.
He’s done amazing things in me. I’m learning so much and He just keeps pouring in. I ask for more and He doesn’t hold back. I’m being changed everyday. I mean, look at me now—up before 8:00 just to spend some time sitting before His feet. I love that He loves me and I love that I’ve learned to let Him love me. It’s the best love I’ve ever gotten—and it’ll be the best love you’ll ever get too if you just say yes to it.
