My computer is broken. Pretty much dead. I can´t see the screen though the computer itself turns on and gives me the nice start up noise…but I get nothing after that. I can´t navigate anything. No pictures. No music. No concordance. No posting the three blogs I had written and saved on there. hmm… I´m frustrated. …and this is why you haven´t heard from me much in the last few weeks. We go to the internet cafe probably about 4-5 times a week and I could easily have posted every day, but I´m a little bitter. I miss my computer.
The thing is broken, just like I´m being broken. I love being here…but it´s not always easy. Just living with a group of 27 other people and always having another person with you wherever you go is not easy. I´m grieving the loss of my indpendence, of my schedule, of my computer, and most importantly of my own selfishness.
I´m seeing a lot of things in me I don´t like. I don´t always feel like loving. I´m not always glad to be around people. I don´t always want things to go how they´re going. God is faithful though–I prayed to be broken. I knew that was a risky prayer and that He would answer it. Perhaps I should have been a bit more prepared for this.
Yes, I´m being broken…but my heart is expanding. I´m learning how to love more. My heart hurts a bit more for these people. I have more love for my teammates. I know it´s only because I asked God to give me this love. I feel incredibly weak all the time, like I have nothing left to give. As if the only way anything beneficial will happen is if God breaks in and works through me. I´ve come to the end of myself.
I still have so much farther to go, still so much of ´me´ to let go of, but I´m a work in progress. This life is a journey, right? I´m in for the ride…and if things need to be broken along the way so that I can be built back up the right way….so be it.
If you want an exciting journey…just ask God to break you…see if He doesn´t answer you. I dare you.
