I was up until 2:30 last night cleaning my room. Yep, it was one of those rash moments where I just had a fresh wind of energy and a late night urgency to clean—it must be done! …and so it was. As I woke up this morning and looked around I am pleased; everything is pretty pristine except that the floor needs to be vacuumed. I’m pretty sure that hasn’t been done in at least 6 months. (sorry mom, I know that’s gonna make you puke a bit…)
My messy room helped me though. It gave me a little bit of insight into the inner workings of me…and I’ll share with you. This is an excerpt from my journal (yeah, the one written with an ink pen and not the internet…how archaic!) just a few days ago on November 29th:
…my life is clutter right now. I even look around at my room and it screams DISORDER!! And all I can do is stare at it as if I expect things to grow legs and put themselves away. Such a mountain lies before me and I am immobilized by fear, by tasks undone, and that feeling of drowning or being overcome as the mountain tumbles in disarray around me. I feel disconnected…
I’m obviously in need of a fresh start wouldn’t you say? I needed to take some action.
After writing that journal entry I thought I would wake the next morning and spend the day cleaning and tidying up my room….but I didn’t. Why not? Well gosh, I wonder the same thing. Why do I do the things I don’t want to do, but don’t do the things I want to do? Heh…that’s a lot of do’s 🙂 …but I hope the message is clear: I am unsatisfied with my own actions.
My feelings equate perfectly I think with the apostle Paul in Romans 7:15 where he has the same barrage of do’s and some of the same questions. He’s basically saying, “Dang! What the heck am I doing?” In verse 18 and 19 he elaborates:
For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.
I’ve underlined this passage in Romans years ago—I so equate with what he’s saying here. There are so many things I want to accomplish even before I leave for the World Race—it’ overwhelming, like a huge mountain before me. I want to do all of these things and yet still have quality time with friends and family and it seems as if time keeps passing me by. As if I’m looking at an hourglass of sand seeping faster and faster to the bottom and I’m helpless. There’s nothing you can do to stop that sand. Nothing.
And so, I needed a fresh start. I needed to realize that staring at the sand dropping down and freaking out about how little time I have left was not allowing me to actually
do the things I wanted to do. Quite a concept, ay? I know…I’m a little slow sometimes, but oh, aren’t we all??
Thanks for having patience with me Lord. Thanks for loving me through it all and enabling me to move towards you and not away from you. Thanks for encouraging me and being faithful. Please help me as the last sand grains fall, I need you.
