I know in my first blog, I am supposed to share with you all how I was called to the mission field but instead I added that into my “About Me” section. I did that because I feel my call to the mission field has been something the Lord has continuously grown in me for a long time. I cannot say there was a specific moment when I thought to myself “I’m a missionary. That’s what I was born for.” All I can say is it became concrete somewhere between building homes after hurricane Katrina and holding orphans in Uganda. It was a shift in my heart, a desire for the compassion I feel for others to be used directly in the field by physically taking Christ to the world.
What I’m excited about this week is a new season in my life. I have spent hours on my knees asking to be released again into missions. My heart has felt like a rubber band stretched just short of it’s breaking point and all that tension I have felt is now going to be released and I cannot even begin to explain how good that feels. This is a new season of walking in the desires of my heart and the calling on my life. Nothing could feel any better than that in this moment. I sent out the first round of my support letters this week, sharing with my friends and family the passion Christ has given me for His children. Although the amount of money I am expected to raise does at times seem overwhelming, I know God will provide and I am excited to see how He does that because I am not in control here.
Which brings me to the point of this blog. God has revealed to me about my heart that I love control. I wrap it up nice and pretty to look like what I would call “responsibility” and He’s stripped me of that controlrecently in order to re-frame responsibility. I figured that working hard, doing to the work, taking care of business and always being the responsible one was going to get me places. The truth is when God stripped me of that false illusion of control I was rocked to the core. Confused, I was crying out “Lord! NOW WHAT?! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!” He did it because through that experience I now have to rely entirely on Him for everything. How can it be faith if I think it all happened because of what I did or did not do? It can’t be, thus the stripping of my flesh and it’s desire to control my circumstances. It was painfully beautiful, and now I am learning to stand back with arms open wider than I thought they ever could be just waiting. Expecting…Him. I can wait, expect and know that He will show up like He always has. If He has never failed me before, then why would He start now?! So if I haven’t used the word “excited” enough, I’ll use it just one more time. . . I am excited about what God is doing now, what He’ll do in the this time of preparing for World Race, and what He’ll do ON the race!
A verse I have been meditating on these past couple of days:
But the Lord was my support, He also brought me out into a broad place; He delivered me because He delighted in me. Ps.18:19
