Dear Christina,
First of all, it was truly a pleasure getting to know you over the past month. We sure did share some fun times together over the month… like when you would cheat at Loteria and put a marker on every square and then tap my arm to show that you won when I knew that we hadn’t called half of the words on your card yet… or when you would point somewhere in the distance to make me look in that direction, but there wouldn’t be anything there and then you would laugh hysterically at me. I deeply appreciate the friendship and love that you shared with me.
However, we also shared some hard times throughout the month. There were the countless afternoons that I would sit and listen as you cried and talked to me. I have to admit that I have no idea what you were saying all those times, but as I held your hand I could understand that you were sharing your life with me. It broke my heart to know that in your lifetime you had experienced such pain that it still made you cry so desperately you would be gasping for breaths.
Sometimes I would hear little glimpses of what you were telling me, through the people who understood more Spanish than I did. They said you were re-living memories and telling of the time during the war that you were forced to watch your entire family be killed. I cannot image living through the things that you have. You have truly had a difficult life.
There were times throughout the month that I would sit and pray with you. I don’t know if you knew what was going on or what I was saying, but I was praying for God to take you to be with Him. I was praying that you could escape the prison of a body that you were living in, not being able to control your bodily functions and being confined to a wheel-chair. I was praying that you could escape from Casa Maria, a place that is doing all that they can to help and care for you, but in reality is a living hell to you.
What Paul writes in Philippians 1:21 has never made more sense to me, “For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.” In my life, I have only ever been young and happy, I haven’t really understood that Heaven can be better than the life that I’m living now, but this month I have seen this in your life. I could physically see how living is Christ, because you have to fight the pain that you feel everyday and you have to work hard to show God’s love to people. And I definitely see how dying is gain. When you die, you will be with God, walking and smiling.
Throughout the month I found myself pleading with God and asking Him why you were still living. I know that God loves you and wants you to be healthy and I know that you also love and choose Him, so why does He continue to let you live in your rotting body and experience the pain that you do? If God still has a plan for you, then what could it possibly be? You will be in Casa Maria for the rest of your life without the ability to take care of yourself, or even talk in understandable sentences. You don’t even have the opportunity to invest in the lives of your family members because they are no longer living. What is God’s purpose in keeping you alive?
I finally realize it now. After all of those days sitting with you and listening to you, I realize that your continued purpose to be living this painful life is for me.
I learned so much this month. On top of the fact that I have a whole new respect for hospice care, I learned that I could be deeply loved by someone whom I have never even said a complete sentence to, and that is a true testament to God’s love through you. I know that you truly loved me. When I wasn’t sitting next to your chair, holding your hand, your eyes would follow me around the room. Sometimes you would wave at me and smile with tears in your eyes because you were happy that I was there. You loved me so much that you would introduce me to people as your cousin. My life was touched and impacted by the love that you showed me over the past month.
So, Christina, I guess this is a thank you letter. Thank you for continuing to live and be Christ at Casa Maria. I’m sure that mine is not the only life that you touched over the month and the years that you have been there. Even in the last days of your life, you are making an eternal difference in other people through the love that you show them.
I can’t wait to be reconnected with you in Heaven and understand the stories that you were telling me. And just think, you will be able to aerobics, which I know you were always bummed that you couldn’t participate in on earth. Who knows, maybe you’ll be the one leading the aerobics!
With Love in Christ,
Amanda
