Substory
How does one even begin to describe an epiphany so vast that it leaves you feeling completely helpless yet so full of purpose all in one? I for sure have no clue but I will do my best to try. Heads up, as much as this post will appear to be about me finding purpose in my short span of life on earth it’s truly a tribute to my parents!! They Rock. Jeff and Annette, Mom and Dad, this is for you.
Over the past twenty-two years many smaller events and thoughts have occurred and compiled to bring me to the understanding I sit with today. The following are a few that had the most impact:
Growing up I remember my parents being people of prayer. The frequency of their prayer is irrelevant, what truly stuck with me was the attitude they had whilst praying. Their words were always genuine never empty. I never got the impression that they were merely hoping that there was a God above who was listening. This average man and woman had surety in their words. Therefore I too was sure, never questioning the existence of God.
With this surety in God later came discernment at the young age of 14. As stated before I didn’t question his existence but now I realized that I had a role to play in a story that he was writing about me (I would later discover that this was a story about a King and his Kingdom not just me). I was told that allowing God to be the author of my story would be grater than anything I tried to live out or write on my own. I gave him the pen.
Fast-forward through high school Amanda. I had an identity and a purpose so I didn’t let much get in the way of that. I had taken all the necessary precautions of guarding my heart and living above reproach; I was being discipled and making disciples, everything was great until it just wasn’t anymore.
Somewhere along the way I had stopped serving God as a byproduct of my joy and purpose in him, I was now serving simply because I knew how. Most everyone I knew who had really subscribed to this follower/ ambassador of Christ belief had a redemption story. Each person could tell you a specific instance when they finally decided there was no turning back. No standing on the fence line or not caring at all, they were full speed a head all in.
I couldn’t create the joy or desire out of nothing and I wasn’t going to pretend that it existed when it didn’t so I began to suppress God in my life. I tucked him away in my pocket so that he was present in all aspects of my life but only I knew he was there. I still trusted him the same I just no longer knew how to answer the question “why God?” or “Why Christianity?” I respected the Lord too much to drag his name through the dirt proclaiming his name without being 100% committed. I was afraid of confusing anyone along my journey of discovering the “why’s” so I just didn’t really bring it up. When it came up in convo I just kept it real. I would live in this space of the unknown for about two years filling it with all sorts of worldly things because I was no longer holding myself to God’s standards or calling. It didn’t really make sense to hold myself to a standard that I couldn’t explain. If my relationship with God had a FB status during this time it would have been set to “its complicated”.
Bare with me the good part is coming….
Here I am month two on the race and everyone is sharing their testimonies (something that often happens anytime two or more Christians get together). I run through the events and trials in my life even with all the crazy things I did over the past two years I still come up with nothing. Why is it that the Lord has spared me so much, why is it that I even believe in him so whole-heartedly? I mean seriously I couldn’t doubt God if I tried. Why is it that no “struggle” I have faced in life has become a vise? Everyone I know has had a vise of some sort. In all of my “why me?” “what’s my story and when does it start?” questioning, the Lord finally hit me with some clarity out of nowhere.
Over the course of my life a simple man sat on a cold street, in a hospital bed or possibly in a prison cell somewhere and begged for forgiveness. This man had made a lot of poor choices in life. This man had seen and felt a lot of pain and consequences for the decisions he had made but he chose to hit his knees. He had a testimony moment and asked God to forgive him and spare his children. The man asked God to restore his life and watch over the children he couldn’t raise in the meantime.
Around this same time a simple woman went to her knees as well. She too had seen hurt and pain. Naïve from a young age she had found herself in over her head, how had things gotten this bad? Now working full time plus over time as a single mom who would raise her children? Who would shape the minds and comfort the hearts of these three little lives she had brought into the world. The energy in and of her self was long gone. Lost in the endless hours of the workday. The woman asked for God’s provision over her children.
These ordinary people were my extraordinary parents. I had been so busy searching for my own personal redemption story that I never realized that I AM the redemption story. My parents have not had simple lives. They have struggled, strayed, and questioned God at various moments and times. Each of them had a moment when they stopped running, got real with God and asked him for restoration. They asked with the same surety I had witnessed growing up and God answered their cries. My discernment and spiritual protection are a direct result of their faithfulness.
Through a little bit of help from Donald Miller, author of A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, I have come to the realization that the story of my life isn’t a single climax novel but rather a sub story in God’s epic about a King and his Kingdom. I can’t control what happened in the saga of life before I was written in and I won’t be able to control how the story is continued after I’m gone but I do have a few short years to make some changes and make an appearance in other peoples stories. I would like to be a sub story in support of the climax leading to the return of the King and the restoration of his Kingdom
I use to wish my parents were more physically and emotionally present while I was growing up, I’m sure they spent tear-filled nights wishing the same. Truth is they were present in the best way possible, spiritually through prayer. They have sacrificed everything for my brothers and me, including their control in our lives. Today I couldn’t be more thankful for their roles in my life or more honored for my role in theirs. Together we serve a God that listens and a God that responds.
