How in the heck did I get here?
It has been a wild seven months. So far I've traveled to two continents, gotten into a lip syncing battle, and eaten a tarantula. At training camp they told us over and over to have no expectations this year.
I didn't listen.
I saw the pictures, watched the videos, and heard the stories. I desperately tried to grasp for something concrete, something to give me some clue as to what my year was going to look like.
I wanted control.
I wanted comfort.
I wanted predictability.
I was not yet where I am now.
I expected to be on a spiritual high 24/7. I expected my heart to break for everyone I met. My prayer life was going to explode and I would become so hungry for the Word. I expected my team would become my best friends. I expected to come home to my family, friends, and boyfriend at the end of the Race and settle down.
One thing I still haven't managed to learn yet is that God likes to take our plans and expectations out of our hands and place them in His own.
It's month 7. I am well over the halfway point. And I am exhausted. Balance is difficult to find and maintain. Burnout is a real possibility. Instead of being on a spiritual mountaintop, I find myself in a valley more often than not. Granted, I don't face the same distractions that I do back home. But between ministry, team time, feedback, devotions, and rest, it's difficult to stay motivated to have my time alone with God. And this is when it's the most necessary. A lot of times my quiet time turns into nap time. I've grown in this a lot, but I've still got a ways to go. Spiritually, my reality looks a lot different from what I expected.
Then there's my team.
The World Race is all about community. I have been living with at least six other people for seven months straight. The only alone time I get is in the bathroom. This is hard. These are not people I would typically become best friends with. My team is made up of seven vastly different people. But I'm learning that love is a choice. I must consciously prefer others, putting my teammates before myself. It's easier now, because I truly love my team and my squad, but it's been a process. Not something I anticipated.
I came into the Race with a lot of expectations regarding my future.
Although I really wasn't sure of what type of career I wanted to pursue post-Race, I was confident that I would have a relationship to return to. This gave me a lot of security and comfort, because I thought even if I didn't know what my next steps would be, I would have someone by my side.
God crushed this expectation (in the gentlest way possible) last month in Myanmar.
I had heard God whispering to me for some time now; He was pulling me away from others and closer to Himself. Then, He reminded me of a dream and desire I've held onto for as long as I can remember.
Ireland.
Oh how much joy I feel when I think of this place. I want to be there. I want to be a light in the darkness and love those who have forgotten the love of the Father.
This is where I have to go.
So then I started thinking of ways that my boyfriend and I could go and serve together. It seemed like it could work. Then I heard God again:
"No. Alone."
What? Seriously God? I was frustrated and heartbroken. I've given up a lot and let go of a lot of expectations this year. Couldn't I just hold on to this one?
I carried this around for a long time. I opened up to my teammates and squadmates who listed and encouraged me. When I finally made the decision to end my relationship and pursue further missions work overseas, I felt tangible peace. It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
I gave control to God and He gladly took it from me.
I don't know what the rest of my Race is going to look like, or what my future is going to shape into. But I do know God is taking care of things. I just have to show up, ready and willing.
There is so much freedom in letting go of control. God's plans, even when we don't understand, are truly so much better than our own. I'm heading into my eighth month of the Race and relinquishing all ideas and expectations of what it may look like. I can wait to see what's in store.
