This blog is a continuation of some of my journal excerpts from May:
May 12:
Dear Sweet Lord, I feel you breaking me. It’s hard but it’s beautiful to know that you love me so much to fuss over me to make me better. I want to be better Lord, I know you love me the same either way but I want to be the way you want tme to be. and if you want this change in me, I want this change in me. You are my everything and I just want to trust you, even during the pain of refinement. Here I am Father, refine me.
May 12 (because the other day that I wrote May 12 was definitely wrong, it’s so hard to keep track of the dates here):
Lord Jesus am I falling apart? Am I crumbling to pieces? A dog was biting at me today and I am sure it was because he knew I was ready to crumble and he wanted first dibs on a bite. What is happening to me Father? I am havng such trouble finding purpose and connection in what we are doing and it is making me into a lackluster piece of something. Something THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A GEM. Why isn’t it shining?
May 16:
So here I am sitting in an English class, not doing much of anything but sitting on the floor while the teacher gives them a test. They are gorgeous, amazing even and how I wish I could do more for them. Show me how to love your people better Lord.
May 21:
So Lord, I was really mad at you last night and I was not very nice. I am sorry about that… I just want to go home. It’s just so hard to be here when I don’t feel well. I have this stupid cold and I am tired . Father, it’s you I need to get through this. Humbly as I can I plead with you, please do not be cryptic or silent Father. I NEED to hear from you. Lead me Lord, speak to me and take me through these days. I can’t do it apart from you.
May 26:
So you want me to trust You Lord? But how do you want me to Trust you? because I feel like I am trusting you. Maybe you want something different. Change me to trust you the way you would have me to.
Vulnerability. Happiness. Joy.
Alyssha
