I have some excerpts from what I have been writing in my journal, just to give you an idea of what things have been like for me lately. So if you are interested I’ll let you in on some of my secrets 🙂
May 1:
In Ecuador! working at an orphanage – I have no idea what to expect from this month. And I am starting to feel a little less excited each month about our ministries. UGH! I don’t want to be like that, I don’t want to get complacent. I need a fire within me.. Light it please?? I want to go in with open arms and a willing heart…take me there Lord! Plus dealing with this disciplining process you have me in Lord, keep me on track, help me to keep digging. I want to go deeper- I really want more of YOU.
May 3:
I feel like everyday there isa new thing that keeps me back as I am trying to grow in you Lord. But I guess remembering it is the journey not the destination is a good reminder walking along this road of being disciplined by you. I am getting through this. MOREOVER, what in the world am I going to do about these kids breaking my heart in this orphanage?? We only have ten days here! So what am I supposed to do witht he anger rising up inside of me to do more for them? What will I do Father? What will I do? Speak to me on how I can go deeper and love with intention and not just get lost in my feelings because all I can think about is wanting to be here longer and make a real lasting investment.
May 4 (I think):
Lord,
The truth is I DO NOT feel 100% yet. I want to act as if I do because we had such a wonderful encounter the other day. But a good meal one day does not keep you from STARVING. I AM STILL LONGING FOR SO MUCH MORE BUT LOSING ENERGY AND MOMENTUM TO FIGHT FOR IT. I am trying to at least show up, to at least find time for listening, to at least talk to you. Please fill me up Lord. I truly need you everyday, sweet Father please meet me everyday.
May 5:
I really feel you changing me Lord, and it kind of hurts. I know you are being gentle as yu chip away at my being. I know I have prayed for this. I know you are doing it because you love me. But the pain Lord, why the pain?
I WRESTLE AS YOU TEAR AWAY
EVERY PART, EVERY CRATER
EVERYTHING I KEPT BECAUSE IT MIGHT SAVE ME LATER
YOU TAKE THE LIFE JACKET SO THAT I MUST DEPEND ON YOU
MY FINGERS TINGLE WITH FEAR
BUT YOU SAY BE CALM AS YOU BREATHE OUT PEACE
MY MOUTH DRIES FOR SHAME
BUT YOU OFFER WATER LACED WITH GRACE
“BUT YOU’RE TEARING ME DOWN UNTIL I AM NOTHING BUT A NAME!”
JESUS
YOU WHISPER THE JOYY OF BEING NEW…AGAIN.
“THIS HURTS, AND I AM NOT INTERESTED ANYMORE!”
BUT I DONT WANT TO STOP, SOMEHOW I STILL WANT MORE
LORD WHAT ELSE IS IN STORE?
YOU BREAK MY BONES, BEND MY BACK, TWIST MY NECK.
WHY LORD
ALL TO PUT ME BACK IN PLACE AS SOMEHOW IVE MENDED THE WRONG WAY.
PIECE BY PIECE
I WRESTLE AS YOU TEAR AWAY
BUT I FEEL IT LORD, I KNOW IT
ILL BE BETTER OFF YOUR WAY
May 11:
When you break a horse you are trying to change their old habits and replace them with new ones. The Lord is breaking me in that way.. replacing lies and half truths with THE TRUTH.
May 12:
I want to cry Jesus. I need you so ba and I am not even sure what is causing this sadness and melancholy anymore. We have less an less down time. And I am struggling to find time to be with you and this is when I ned you the most. I don’t know how to kick this slumpy feeling, and I am starting to feel like I can’t. I need to be with you Lord, it is only you that can make me feel better. Please make a miracle to give me more time with you, please meet me in those times and don’t leave me feeling alone. I need you now Lord.
I HAVE MORE SECRETS FROM MY JOURNAL IN THE NEXT BLOG 🙂
Peace. Love. Openness.
Alyssha
