It’s not all you might have cooked it up to be in your mind. My life, that is. The Instagrams I post, the faces I show, the Facebook update posts … all of it.
I can’t fully describe what it looks like, feels like, what it IS LIKE. To live in community all the time. 24/7. To be in new places — seeing new things, experiencing a culture that’s wildly different than my own, change. Never knowing what’s going on. Going against my own humanity and doing things that are so not natural or NORMAL for me.
It would be ridiculous for me to think that I could give you an accurate picture of what it’s like.
Forced to live with 6 people I didn’t even know existed until a year ago.
People with flaws and sins and wounds and mistakes.
People who have been hurt, and who hurt. People who struggle. People who see things totally OPPOSITE to the way I see them. People who are stubborn, just like me. People who are figuring out who they are, just like me. People who desperately want the Lord, just. like. me.
People who love to be loved, and who loved because they were first loved. People who serve because their Father served. People who seek because they are sought out. People who are filled with so much life, greatness, and heart. The Lord’s heart.
I can’t explain it. Except that it’s amazing and awful all at the same time.
Here’s my greatest attempt at showing you a little bit of Botswana with my team; the things I learned because of the parts that totally sucked.
Moving in with our sister team was awesome. Couldn’t have asked for a better group of people to do life with… truly. They’re some of my favorite people. I have such good and healthy community with them. So many rockin’ conversations happened at Kairos’ ministry. So much intentionality and so many things I grew in because of their people.
But it gave our team an excuse to stop hanging out. To stop choosing each other. And ultimately, quit fighting for each other; to quit fighting to see Jesus in each other and be intentional with one another.
That’s what made it the worst two months of my life. Not because Jesus wasn’t doing wild things. Not because he wasn’t still good. Not because of Him. Because of me. Because I chose to focus more on myself than the people around me.
Ridiculous.
There’s this verse in Matthew that I think defines what my heart honestly looked like a lot of the time with my teammates.
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:3-5).
I was so focused on the things in people that frustrated me, that I failed to see their gifts. I intentionally blinded myself to the FACT that my teammates carry the Spirit of the Lord inside of them and are sons and daughters of Christ. I chose to see their failings and focused more on their humanity than their Spirit.
Because I was so focused on the failings of the people around me, I was ignoring my own failings. I was ignoring things that the Lord was trying to heal and mend and fix in me. I failed to see God’s grace poured and lavished out on me. And because I didn’t have grace for myself, I was incapable of giving it to others.
The saddest part? I was the one who was missing out; not them. They weren’t missing experiencing their talents and gifts and creation…. I was. They weren’t missing out on things that God was trying to do… I was.
What a shame that I chose to do that. What I shame that I chose to give in to my sinful nature and selfishness. What a shame that I decided to miss out on things that could’ve been so sweet.
But God is a God of conviction. And thankfully, his conviction doesn’t shame. His conviction doesn’t bring death. Conviction from the Lord is LITERALLY his kindness being poured out on me.
The Lord convicting me isn’t, “Hey, you suck. You will never be better. You can never attain this level of perfection that I attained when I walked on Earth.”
It’s, “Lyss. Precious daughter. I delight in you. You are mine. You are strong and filled with dignity. You are kind and unique and this world wouldn’t be the same without you. I want you to have life and life FULLY. Remember the freedom and love that you find in me?? I want other people to have that too. I want to show you more glory and more light, stop living like you are. Trust me and let me show you more goodness.”
His kindness leads us to repentance. I’m thankful that I have such a GRACIOUS God that loves me so much that he’s unwilling to leave me in the mess of my sin. I’m thankful for a God who is intentional and desires to draw me closer to his heart and closer to life. I’m thankful for a God that wants me to be more like him because he knows what’s best for me.
What a grievance it would be if we served a passive God.
My team is still in the ringer. We still are struggling with miscommunication and under communication. We’re still trying to figure out how to live together and coexist. We’re still learning about humility, compromise, and love. We’re honestly still trying to enjoy hanging out.
But I’m so hopeful for what’s to come. Hopeful because I have a God that is sovereign. Hopeful because I have a God that cares for EACH AND EVERY one of his kids deeply. Hopeful because that’s what I’m commanded to be.
Be hopeful with me. Join me. Partner with me. Walk through intentionality with me.
How can you be hopeful in your own life? How can you be hopeful in YOUR relationships? How can you find hope in and from the Lord??
Hope is worth it. Fighting is worth it. Don’t give up just because it sucks. Endure.
The people on my team have all come to the realization that we need to work on ourselves before we try to work on others. We’ve all realized that we’re very different people. But we’ve also realized that we all have the same spirit in us. So we’ll fight to know each other, love each other, and know the Lord together.
Here’s to hope. And to continually being crushed by Zane and Hunter’s mega-attack hugs.
Thanks for doing life with me. Thanks for reading my thoughts. Means a whole lot, truly.
-Lyss
Fun fact: currently sitting on the side of the road in Johannesburg, South Africa waiting our ministry host! Thanks for rando WiFi opportunities, Lord.
