I screamed this sentence through the phone yesterday to one of my best friends, Kate Paulson.
I GENUINELY could talk about Kate for hours. Friendship is something that I learned a lot about on my Race, and she plays a huge part in that. Kate exemplifies Jesus in my life more fully than most people; because she knows me more than most people do.
One of my favorite things about her is this: she constantly speaks truth, gently. Kate Paulson is one of the most truthful people I know. She stands firmly on the foundation of God’s character and refuses to waver from her belief. And, she’s honest. Really honest.
So: speaking truth. She’s really good at it. But she does this thing where she’ll start a sentence with, “So, I think this is from the Lord…”
BASICALLY, when those eight words come out of her mouth, it means, “JESUS IS ABOUT TO WRECK YOUR MIND AND LIFE WITH TRUTH.” She walks in boldness wth her words, and awareness that the ONLY thing she can offer people is the Lord.
She dropped that eight letter sentence through the phone right after I said – dramatically and passionately, “I AM EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE.”
“So, uh, Lyss… I think this is from the Lord…”
OH BOY. HERE IT COMES.
“You’re not emotionally unstable because the Lord is stable and you have him within you. You’re just EMOTIONAL.”
Cue cricket noises and bug eyes. Yup. Thanks, Kate. You’re right.
I like to fix things. When I’m experiencing a lot of emotions at once, I convince myself that it means I’m “emotionally unstable.” But, you see, I’m really not. I’m really fine. But it’s easier for me to say “I’m emotionally unstable” rather than “I’m emotional” because I would rather create a problem than recognize that there ISN’T one. I would rather try to FIX something than face the instability of my belief in the Lord.
When I admit that I’m emotional, it means that apathy and avoidance can no longer exist. I really like being apathetic. I really like avoiding reality. When I admit that I’m just EMOTIONAL – rather than emotionally unstable – it means that my emotions are tracking with the physical change that is happening in my life. Which means that everything that I’m trying to avoid is actually very real, and most definitely happening. Which means CHANGE.
Which means GOOD LORD, WHAT THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO, AHHHH.
I would rather create a fake problem that I have to “work through” and “process” and “fix” than just face the reality of the situation. I would rather try to solve my “emotional instability” than feel my emotions and realize that it’s OKAY.
Emotions are meant to be felt. Jesus gave them to us, and when we refuse to feel them, we’re denying more of Jesus.
Hmmm. “I AM EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE” = “JESUS, I DON’T WANT TO EXPERIENCE MORE OF YOU BECAUSE I FEAR EMOTIONS MORE THAN I FEAR YOU.”
Oh boy. Yikes.
I’m about to leave the country again in two weeks. I’ve never been to South America before in my life. I will no longer have unlimited access to my best friends. I’m starting this whole “community” thing over from scratch. I’m in a position of leadership this time, MEANWHILE, I can’t even remember what I ate for breakfast. How am I supposed to lead people?? WHAT?
On, and on, and on the list goes. But all it boils down to is this: I am more terrified of change than I am of the Lord.
And, I only know this NOW because I recognized how emotional I was about change. The Lord revealed truth through acceptance of emotion. Had I continued to ignore my emotions, I would have continued to live in unawareness.
The Lord USES our constantly changing emotions to make us recognize his constancy. If I’m ignoring my emotions, I’m refusing an opportunity to experience the constancy of the Father. If I refuse to recognize my emotion, I am refusing to allow the Lord to remind me of who he is.
Emotions give me an opportunity to be in the presence of my Father. They give me an opportunity to ask for eyes that see truth, and deny apathy. They make me bow in humility before my God because he is IN CONTROL. I am NOT.
Paige – another one of my friends – asked me what I wanted from this season of life (team leading). I told her three things: growth, awareness, and childlikeness.
Childlikeness. Being emotional is VERY childlike. Children have a tendency to get really upset about petty, small, insignificant things. They look ridiculous to people who are older than them. But these seemingly petty, small, and insignificant things are actually important, big, VERY significant things to them. Crackers fall on the ground? Immediate screaming and tears. I would stand there, stare at them, and think, “Bro. It’s just a cracker. You’re going to be fine. Get over yourself.”
It think this is part of the reason why I HATE being emotional and admitting my emotions. It makes me feel like a child. It makes me feel insignificant and dramatic and naive. But it also makes me run to my Father. I think Jesus likes it when I sit with him and rest in my weakness. It gives him the chance to whisper truth in my ear, remind me of who I am and who he is, and walk in more maturity and boldness. Jesus likes my emotions.
Emotions still freak me out. But if I’m constantly running from them, ignoring them, and suppressing them, I will never fall before my Father in weakness. And if I never fall before him in weakness, I can never be made more like him.
So, here’s the thing… I kinda really wanna look more like Jesus every single day. So, I’m kinda gonna have to stop ignoring my emotions. Which means I’m going have to be vulnerable and honest – with myself and with others. Which means, HAH, being UNCOMFORTABLE. I hate being uncomfortable, but the Lord keeps calling me into places that make me the MOST uncomfortable. Wow. Fun.
So… yeah. I’m not unstable because I have the Holy Spirit. And the Holy Spirit is constant and unwavering, which makes me constant and unwavering when I rely on him. But, I AM emotional. Very emotional. And that’s okay. It’s actually pretty cool.
Because my emotions are being used to make me look a little more like my Father.
-Lyss
UPDATE: I’m still fundraising! I need to have the full $3,000 in for Team Leading by September 8th. My sweet friend, Emma, and I were on the phone last night and she said this to me: “You get to change people who change the world. So you’re changing the world.” That hit me real hard, and made me realize how phenomenal it is that I get to walk alongside the men and women of Gap V for three months. It would mean the world to me if you funded my ability to experience, first-hand, the ways that our Father is transforming my generation. If you want to give, you can donate through the orange button at the top of this page!
