I’ve learned a whole lot about myself in the last two weeks.
Ground-breaking and transformational kind of stuff.
These revelations (realizations?) that the Lord has given me fit like puzzle pieces and all tie together. W E I R D.
I hope that these things encourage you. I hope they challenge your mind and thoughts. I hope they draw you closer to the Lord’s heart.
P E R F E C T I O N
Ever since I was little, I put this pressure on myself to uphold a standard of perfection. In school, in sports, at church, in youth group, at home; it haunted me everywhere I went. I felt like I had to be everything that people wanted and needed. If I wasn’t, I was a failure. And that scared me. It scared me because my identity was as a PERFECT human being. I couldn’t lose that because then I would lose myself.
I watched my every word, step, action… fearful of how people would respond. “Was I good enough?” This question was at the forefront of my mind more than I would like to admit. I found my identity in this unsteady, unattainable, unrealistic thing. Perfection wrecked me. It’s still wrecking me.
H U M A N I T Y
What a funny concept. The very thing that the Lord loves about me me I hate and despise. My humanity makes me realize – and forces me to admit – that I’m so beyond far from perfection. My humanity is God’s favorite because he gets to show up in it the most. My humanity is God’s favorite because it makes me recognize my desperate need for him.
I hate my humanity because I’m convinced that I can do it on my own; that I don’t need God. I hate my humanity because it forces me to come face-to-face with my weakness, failure, and imperfection. Being honest and vulnerable about my humanity wrecks my identity of perfection.
Jesus, teach me how to love my humanity.
V U L N E R A B I L I T Y
Something that the Race has made me realize is this: I hate vulnerability. It’s uncomfortable. But why exactly do I hate it so much? Because it makes me recognize my humanity. When I’m vulnerable, I’m forced to confront the depths of my sin and mistakes. It makes me realize that I’m not perfect, which in turn makes me recognize that I’ve failed in some way – one of my greatest fears.
When I’m vulnerable, I’m risking the chance of being alone. People might not feel the same as I do, they might not relate. My fears of failure and loneliness have outweighed my desire for life and truth for TOO LONG. The Lord showed me why I fear vulnerability so much… it’s because being vulnerable risks the chance of making my greatest fears a reality.
E M O T I O N S
Why do they hold such a negative connotation in our society? Why have we labeled emotions as “bad” or “weak?” It doesn’t make any sense. I’ve done that for SO LONG. And it’s prevented me from fully becoming who the Lord has created me to be. Sad.
If God CREATED emotions, and everything that he creates is GOOD, why am I to say otherwise? Who am I to refuse to experience something so sweet that the Lord has formed and made? Jesus felt emotions… anger, sadness, sorrow, joy, desperation, temptation. We are called to be more like Him. I desire to be more like Jesus… so why wouldn’t I want to feel my emotions? I dare you to risk being looked at as “weak” by society for the sake of knowing Christ.
I’ve ignored my emotions for so long. I STILL DO. Emotions freak me out, honestly. It feels so unnatural to allow myself to feel them now. Walking through my emotions and confronting them often feels more false than true. But if I’m not honest about what I feel, about what I think, about everything – I can’t grow. I can’t heal. I can’t gain perspective and truth. And, eventually, I will become incapable of honesty.
H O N E S T Y
Contrary to predominant belief, honestly is actually really good. But I’m so afraid to share my opinion/be honest with people most of the time. I fear honesty because I fear letting people down; I want to please people. That’s my human nature, my innate humanity – to please people rather than serve the Lord.
I also lack confidence about my thoughts, words, and mind. More often than not, I’ll refrain from speaking because I think that what I have to say holds no value. Or that other people have something better. And so I silence myself.
BUT GUYS, this all goes back to perfection. I fear honesty because I fear people’s opinions of me. I fear honestly because then I’m not being what everyone needs me to be. Something my dear friend Kyla told me once was this, “I was never created to be enough for people.” So why do I try? No more. No more keeping quiet. No more pleasing people. No more chains. If I’m not honest, people are unable to speak truth over the lies in my head. The Lord can’t heal something if I’m not honest about how it effects me.
I’m free. I am a daughter. I am worthy. I am enough. My words matter. My thoughts matter. My mind matters. It’s time for me to start living like these things are true.
I want to encourage you to do the same…. Start living like you’re free. Start living like you’re loved. Start becoming more of who the Lord CREATED you to be; don’t cheat his craftsmanship.
Man oh man, thank you for reading these thoughts. I’m praying that they encourage you and push you deeper into Jesus.
-Lyss
