i feel numb. i don’t feel joy, i don’t feel pain, i don’t feel sadness. i feel nothing. i. feel. numb. i am on a plane, leaving this beautiful country that i have called home for the past month and it feels as though it’s all fake. i mean, i can’t be going home if it never truly settled in that i am in a foreign country. that i am literally on the other half of the world, in the center of it, to be accurate. that i wasn’t just somewhere else in america for an entire month. i land in florida and it still makes no sense to me. i’m able to talk to friends whenever i want. i can eat food that i’ve missed. i am back in touch with reality, with society. i can walk around without fearing that someone is going to pickpocket me. i can throw toilet paper in the toilet, rather than in the garbage. i get to see my family in a few days. i get to do whatever i want to do, yet i still feel numb. i leave my leaders in the airport and i don’t even feel sad. this is not happening. none of this is real. i land in atlanta and we move into a hotel. i spend the last waking hours with my girls. i wake everyone up when i leave bright and early and say my goodbyes, but i’m not actually leaving them, am i? i’ll see them in a few hours, right? i go to the airport with hannah. her plane leaves first and as she boards i feel sad. but only momentarily. i am back to being numb. eventually i board and make it home. i see my family and i should be happy, right? but once again, all i feel is numb. everyone wants to know about the trip and i don’t even know what to say. i can barely comprehend the fact that i am home, how do i talk about the whole trip? i stay quiet. we pick up my brother on the way home and i feel happy. we are all together and i am home. each day passes by and still, i am numb. i see my family and friends but i can’t speak. each day goes by and i lay in bed all day. i don’t know what to do, or think, or say. i am bored out of my mind, but i don’t want to see people either. i miss my tribe. i miss how things used to be.
What is this? I am feeling? I start to feel happier, more content, even sad. I’m starting to process everything, and I’m motivated to go out and do something, even if there is nothing to do. It took a while for me to finally warm up to being home. It’s been over a week and I’m still bored, still want to be alone, still want to sleep all day, but I also want to be alive, I want to see people, do something, be productive. I want to see everyone and catch up with them, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid they’re going to ask a lot of questions about what I did, what I learned, down to the little details about the past month of my life. This can’t be hard? It’s my life, my memories, why can’t I just tell them? I can tell them, but how do I show them all that I witnessed. Everything that God has done in me and through me. Through my tribe. How do I come home, knowing that I am a completely different person, and apply everything I’ve learned to my life? How do I tell people about the coast? How do I show them that I spent four days building a house the size of my living room, for seven people to live in? How do I show them the love that every single kid in this tiny village showed me? How do I show people the amount of joy this poor village, essentially in the middle of nowhere, that suffered from an earthquake two and a half years ago, has? I can’t just tell people about everything that I have seen and done, I want them to experience it and fully understand what I have seen and done. I can share countless stories about weird bugs, getting stuck inside mosquito nets, and groups of middle schoolers asking for kisses, but these don’t make up the truth that I saw in this month. This doesn’t show that I made the life decision to go into the Peace Corps after graduation because of the kids I spent time with. This doesn’t show how I have recognized who I am in Christ and have discovered my own identity. This doesn’t show the hundreds of things I’ve learned about the Holy Spirit, the Bible, God, and everything in between. The thing is though, I shouldn’t be afraid. It is not on my shoulders to minister to every single person. It is not my job to make sure that this story changes the minds of everyone I speak to. It is my job to share the message and hope that it’s fruitful. One thing that I’ve learned is that when you accept Christ, he lives inside of you. Jesus is living inside of me right now! As Christians, we think that we must do good deeds and act a certain way to be more like Jesus. Reality is, the more you trust and lean into him, the more you are going to become just like him! Christ has made me whole again and as I go out to make disciples of all nations, like we have been called, I’m not doing it alone, because He is with me always. I need to lean into him and trust that when I share my story, that maybe it’ll touch someone’s life. I need to trust that the Holy Spirit will help me to speak the words that someone needs to here. I was told that I am a lit candle in a room full of unlit ones. All I have to do is touch one candle, and the entire room will go up in flames. I’m not going to be anxious about sharing my story. I’m going to be honest and vulnerable and straight forward. I’m going to rely on God to help me through every step of my journey. God has something big in store for you. Don’t hold back because you feel that what he has called you to do is weird. He is inside of you and he will help you through all of it. Trust him! He has made me whole again, imagine what he’ll do for you.
