Joy.
Where the heck does everybody get it and how the heck do I get some too?
We were at the flat middle of the race, a month and a half into Ethiopia, and this is the question I found myself asking. Everybody told me that there would be a low point, a “B Zone”, a middle of the race funk, and I guess this was it. I think the best word to describe it was numb maybe apathetic. Going to ministry everyday and wondering what’s the point, what am I doing here, I was so over team time, feeling like nothing I was doing really mattered, been with the same people for 5 months straight and hadn’t gone out of a quarter mile radius in almost 2 months. I started seeing all the little discomforts as huge inconveniences. Everybody kept telling me choose joy and I could hear myself complaining and I wanted to stop but how do you choose joy when you don’t completely understand how something so seemingly distant could be a simple choice. Unaware of the fact that I had already made my choice- I had chosen to be a victim of circumstance.
And that’s where I was at when one of my squad mates lent me her favorite book- one thousand gifts by Anne Voskamp. And there it was the answer to the big joy question that I had been dragging my feet with for weeks. But it was not the answer I expected and maybe not even the answer I wanted. I almost rolled my eyes as I scanned the words on the page- “As long as thanks is possible, then joy is always possible. Joy is always possible. Whenever, meaning- now; wherever, meaning- here.” I was not impressed, so you’re telling me that the big answer to my lack of joy was that one little word so often used and so few times actually meant- “thanks”.
So true joy through true thanksgiving? That’s quite a concept, and a concept I wasn’t very fond of at the time. I’m a thankful person I guess, I know how blessed I am, I know that God is good and He gives me good gifts. And I know I’m supposed to “give thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.”(Good old Ephesians 5:20). And how could I have known this verse all along and say I am thankful for everything but still find myself living in so much ingratitude, always displeased with where I am and what God has given?
Well the truth is, saying you are “thankful” for absolutely everything, leaves you deeply thankful for absolutely nothing.
Stating general gratitude isn’t the answer, no matter how many times a day you say you’re thankful for everything. But isn’t this how we were all taught to say thank you to God? We thank Him for the life we have, for good health, our families- we thank Him for the big things, for the general things. We know that our God gives us good gifts, but what about all the other things that we don’t deem gifts? Or the gifts that seem too small, insignificant even, the ones we have overlooked time and again with our less than perfect human vision. But who are we to decide what does and doesn’t merit a thanks to God? Because, lets face it, sometimes His grace doesn’t come in the beautiful wrappings of what the world says is good. Sometimes what God gives us doesn’t sit right, doesn’t feel good, or we declare that its not enough for us.
And here we are faced with a question- do you fully believe that what God gives you is what you need in every circumstance? Because if that’s true then isn’t everything, and I mean everything, the grace of God. Isn’t everything a good gift from our father?
And so I set out to put this whole giving thanks thing to the test, numbering a list that would eventually equal 1000 gifts- 1000 places that I have witnessed the grace of a loving father. It started off with noticing the small things, the things I had forgotten to say thank you for. The sunrises, African stars, cold mornings, sleeping in late, incredible community, afternoons spent with the kids. And then I started to notice more and more- intricate steam over coffee, beautifully aligned trails of ant armies, the soft brush of long dry grass against bare legs, clouds all framed in soft pink light from the hidden evening sun. And without even noticing I started thanking God for the things weeks before I had seen as huge inconveniences and sent me into a state of complaining- conflicts within my team that made us so much stronger, having a little extra quiet time when breakfast was late. To the point where I got to a week that I was struggling really hard with anxiety and kept waking up in the middle of the night feeling sick to my stomach with fear and throughout all I had been learning God would always remind me- “Open hands to receive this moment, and open eyes to see Me in it.” And how incredible it was to be able to sit up in my bed at 2am flooded with anxiety and say out loud “Open hands, open eyes. God I dont know what’s going on or why this is happening but I know who you are and I know you are here, thank you.” I get to say thank you for anxiety, to add it as #208 on my list because through it God reveals His grace and through it God is good.
The list had never really been the point, but through all the listing I have begun to see everything, every moment as a looking glass to the grace of God. And I am beginning to learn true joy, choosing joy means choosing thankfulness, means living with open hands and open eyes.
Joy, staring in awe at a God full of grace.
