I’m laying here in my hammock on the roof of our home, reflecting on the events of the past week, exhausted from the emotion of it all.
This has been the hardest week yet. I guess up until this point I thought I was immune to homesickness. I didn’t shed a single tear hugging my family goodbye as I headed off to launch in September, knowing that they would all be there with open arms when I returned in nine months. But this week I’ve encountered the hard reality that I am definitely not immune. The emotion of leaving my siblings was there all along but I’ve spent a month and a half refusing to feel it. I’ve stuffed it down, putting home at the back of my mind because it was too painful to think about them and not be able to be with them. But on Sunday during worship, our squad leader asked us to sit and have a time of prayer for our families. And as I talked with God about each of my family members, my tactic of “just don’t think about it” began to crumble and the pain of everything I’d left behind finally hit me and boy does it hurt. This week as I laid on my sweaty sleeping pad at night, all I wanted was to be in my comfy bed snuggling with kassie. And as I road my bike through construction sites and dangerous intersections to ministry, I longed for a deep conversation in the passenger’s seat of Lauren’s car. When the cooking team was jamming out in the kitchen all I could think about was singing an ear ringing duet with Caitlin in the kitchen of our home. And when the emotion of it all hit, the only thing I could think to make it better would be having a Harry Potter marathon with Ross while cuddling with my furry baby, Reggie. But all these comforts are 7 and a half months and half a world away. And that hurts…. ALOT.
I’ve come to realize this week that my siblings are not just my best friends but they are fundamental pieces of who I am. Every single one of them brings out a different side of me and I am struggling to be me without having them to hold me up and remind me who I am. And when the hard phone call came on Thursday morning that my furry best friend would not be there when I returned, I didn’t know who to turn to. How could I process the pain all alone when my whole life I have had my little army by my side through the tough stuff? But in the midst of my emotion God was gentle in reminding me that I am anything but alone. My whole life I have drawn my comfort from my siblings instead of turning to God in my sorrow. And God had to take me to the other side of the world for me to finally realize this.
But I am learning everyday that every aspect of good in them, has come from God and that he possesses Lauren’s listening ear, Caitlin’s soft voice, Kassie’s healing hugs, and even Ross’ sense of humor. And how very blessed I feel when I think about the fact that God gave me eachone of them to show me a different aspect of His love.
