True repentance is brought by mourning.
My pastor preached this a few months ago: he was in the middle of a series on the beatitudes in Matthew, specifically the one that says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” (Matt. 5:4)
While you’re lamenting your sin and where you’ve been lacking, while you’re being undone, Holy Spirit comes along side of you and doesn’t let you do it alone. He comes along side you as the comforter – not because that’s a title given to Him, but because that’s His NAME. It’s who He is.
Without going through that mourning process, we don’t let Holy Spirit live up to who He is. For Him to comfort, we’ve got to have the need to be comforted.
We come to church sad about our sin, sad that we did it, feeling bad. We apologize and still sin in the area that He has tried to give us freedom. But we don’t change. We need to grieve our sin and repent, not just say sorry and repeat it every Sunday. We have to put ourselves in the position of mourning to let Holy Spirit take His position in and over us too.
I don’t think I realized it’s significance at the time other than it being a really good message. I nodded a lot, I clapped and agreed and said amen because I understood what he meant on the surface. But, not taking the time to explore it and ask Holy Spirit what it meant for US and our relationship, I lost the fruit that was to be had from the message. That’s not to say I never got the fruit from it, just that it took longer than it should have because I was not being sensitive to the voice of the Holy Spirit.
Here I am, two or three months down the road. I just had an encounter the other night on my way home from work that surprised me, that shocked me, and that pointed me back to that message.
Four days ago, Saturday, September 22 – it was a great day, an INCREDIBLE day. I had people donate to the point that I reached my first deadline of $5,000. I was floored that I had finally made a deadline and that I was committed to training camp and the World Race not just in my heart and by words, but financially too. So I went to work that night in a joyous spirit, a smile on my face and absolutely feeling alive in Christ and my purpose. I got there, and immediately upon clocking in and throughout the rest of my shift, I felt sick. I had a headache, what felt like a fever and chills, nausea, and random aches. I felt so bad that coworkers noticed, told my manager, and covered the last two hours I was supposed to work so I could go home and rest.
As I was in my car driving, I had worship music playing. I was still riding the high of making my deadline, rejoicing in God and singing my heart out through my sickness. I believed being sick was because the enemy was trying to get me down, so I decided to worship through it.
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Keep mind while reading about this encounter, before hitting my deadline, I didn’t have a great attitude. I believed if God was sending me, He would provide- it wasn’t about the Race. My terrible attitude centered around the fact that I was still in Michigan. I had just moved back to my mom’s two month prior, after graduating my ministry program. You would think that I would be in great spirits, right? Wrong. I was angry at being stuck in Michigan before leaving for the Race rather than living where my heart now called home. I was frustrated that I had to leave some of my closest friends, mentors and leaders. I was hurt that God KNEW how much I longed to stay in North Carolina with my home church before I left for the Race, and yet no opportunities were showing up. No clear way to make it happen was presented, and I had been trying to make it work in any way possible. So I had a big attitude. I turned my ear from His voice, and began to see interest return for what I had been freed from. I had a lot of people trying to give me their opinions and their advice, but not many people wanted to know why I was hurting. Not many wanted to understand. I began using any excuse possible as to why I wasn’t putting much effort into anything, even my relationship with God. I treated Him like a friend I was disappointed in. I needed a reminder that God doesn’t grant my wishes like a fairy, and though He has my desires in mind, He knows what’s best for me in the months up until I leave.
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Fast forward to what happened Saturday ———–>
Eddie James, I am Yours played, and I smiled to myself. Some of the lyrics in the song say. “Though I feel far away, still I’m here to say, I am Yours.” A few weeks prior, God was trying to get my attention. I heard that song and heard Him tell me to think about it in a switched perspective – instead of me singing it to Him, just to imagine Him singing it to me. He was trying to soften my heart once again. And so in the moment, while that song played, I remember my joy turned into deeper worship, and then absolute sorrow. It felt like mourning, as if something or someone had died; it felt painful. And all of a sudden I heard myself begin to apologize out loud, say sorry wasn’t good enough, speaking to my Papa God about how repentant I was. I just kept crying to Him about how much I’ve missed Him. All He kept repeating was that He never left. I had to repent for pushing Him away, for using excuses to justify why I was falling into things I’d already been freed from, for being lazy and complacent because I was too disappointed about being in Michigan to put any effort into our relationship. I knew He had been patient for me, waiting on this moment, His heart filled to the brim with new mercy.
After this conversation with God, I felt pulled to repeat it with the Holy Spirit. I spoke to Him about how repentant I was, mourning the loss of intimacy due to my lack of effort. I cried at the level of fullness I lacked by neglecting our relationship. I missed feeling so alive in the Holy Spirit, I missed the relief that came with surrendering daily to Him, the absolute peace that accompanied our relationship and the power to be more than just a mere filler of church pews. I missed the closeness that we’d had, and I repented for neglecting Him.
If you haven’t guessed, my next nudge was to do the same thing with Jesus. My sweet and extravagant Jesus. The one that at times I feel closest with. The one who is my friend, my very dearest confidante. The one with whom I have literally danced in a dim room, love overtaking everything that has ever happened to me and just becoming part of my DNA. The one who has walked beside me, and carried me when I couldn’t keep going. Each part of who He is has seeped into my very bones and made me feel home. There is so much He did for me, and to think of His sacrifice had me completely undone in the revelation God was bringing me to.
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There was an unraveling of myself in that car on Saturday. I felt lost within myself, I felt misunderstood and like I had taken 10 steps back. I felt the grief and mourning that came with sin, with the loss of intimacy between me, God, Holy Spirit and Jesus. It had only been a few weeks of confusion, yet it had cost me. In this gentle and crystal clear way, God shattered my perception of what had been happening and revealed His truth in a way that only He can. He so sweetly corrects me and turns me back toward truth.
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I guess what I really want people to understand from this post is that it can happen to any of us: we are humans who don’t ALWAYS maintain perspective, who don’t ALWAYS immerse in the Word enough, who don’t ALWAYS choose to be sensitive to the Spirit, who don’t ALWAYS ignore our flesh, who don’t ALWAYS want correction. That’s because we are human. But, when we choose something over God, when we sin, when we’ve walked away and come back to Him, we have to – c h o o s e – repentance; we’ve got to place ourselves in a position of godly mourning. It’s taken me awhile to understand it, and it sounds weird at first until you experience it. The depth of your relationship with God, with the Holy Spirit, with Jesus can be so joyful and alive, deep and full, intense AND peaceful, that when you’ve seen what it’s like without, I believe you’ll truly mourn in repentance rather than just feel sorry about “doing bad”.
Also made clear through Isaiah 61:2-3 that the absence of mourning removes the opportunity for comfort and joy. Maybe that is the easiest spot for you to start & understand! If you weren’t mourning it, the Holy Spirit can’t comfort you and bring that joy to replace it.
I refuse to live my life feeling sorry about what I did and staying
there, when I could choose repentance and live C H A N G E D.
This was not an easy topic to discuss, or an experience that I expected. It’s hard to explain without a lengthy blog post or in person discussion (hence the long post haha). But please, ask questions and dig deep into this topic! This is the sermon that started this roller coaster I’ve been on with God about true repentance.
I want repentance over repetition.
