When I typed out the title, “Cheap Substitutes”, it sounded so cringe worthy. But it’s what I think of when I imagine what it is I’ve been attempting to offer God this last few months since training camp.
Lately, I’ve been offering God two things – one of which being apathy. Feeling so overwhelmed that I shut down and pull into myself, creating a façade for when I go in public so that people don’t force me to get vulnerable. Now, please understand that this isn’t often but when it happens, I don’t feel like myself. In fact, I usually feel like a stranger in my own body – an impersonation of a Christian and of myself. That’s what happens when I don’t choose to buy into community and involve myself with the people in my life that care. It’s something I’ve worked on a lot since moving home, and something I’ve come so far in. Yet, it’s still tempting when I feel overwhelmed to crawl back into the familiarity of that character I created. God has been replacing the desire to hide with the desire to be seen. Not seen with physical eyes, but to be seen for who I am and known in a deeper way by my community.
The second thing I’ve been offering God (the biggest and most prevalent) has been work. It’s not that working is a bad thing or that it shouldn’t be a priority.. but when work becomes my main priority and the way I feel fulfilled, it is time for me to take a step back and analyze what that is about. In some ways, I believe that I work so much (not just secular jobs but with ministry) because it is easier to choose work that I do FOR Jesus rather than opening up to be WITH Jesus. The main vein in this is that I have a deep seated correlation in my heart between work and blessings. The way I’ve been living is as if God will only bless me or help me if I’m working to the bone. If I’m not busy and getting things done, I honestly tend to feel worthless and lazy. I haven’t valued rest and intimacy because I’ve been too busy trying to prove to God that I deserve the money to go on the World Race. I’ve been trying to steadily earn what He has for me rather than accept it is a G I F T because of His rivers of love for me as His daughter.
God doesn’t want me (or you) for what we bring to the table. He wants me for me. He wants you for you. Not for what we have, what we can offer, or what works we can do for Him. Yes, work is important in Kingdom and life; but He is not asking for us to bring Him what we do best, He is asking us to bring Him ourselves. He doesn’t want the cheap substitutes of work or a façade.. He desires our heart – He desires who we are, right now, in this very messy moment of life when I don’t have it all together.
|| He wants me to come to Him as the girl who’s anxious about raising $4,000 in three weeks.
|| He wants me to come to Him as the one who has been trying to fake confidence.
|| He wants me to come to Him with my doubt about launching and my worry about vulnerability.
|| He wants me to just sit with Him, in the midst of apathy or excitement, peace or anxiety, messy and unsure and allow Him to be what I need.
I don’t have to strive to earn His approval and relationship, or His gifts.. He holds them out to me with open hands because He values me and deeply loves me as who I am this very second.
He’s not looking for the future version of you who has “earned it”, worked hard enough, perfected your shortcomings, or has it together.
He’s looking for you. Nothing more or less than who you are in this moment, at 10:32 am on a Friday morning in December.
Whatever you are or whatever your life looks like right now, take a minute to sit and be with Him and let Him love you for who you are and not who you’re trying to be.
