Lately, I’ve been avoiding another blog. I’ve been avoiding preparation for the Race in the form of packing, buying the rest of my gear, and getting vaccinations: partially because I can’t pay for $300 in vaccinations this month, partly because the thought of leaving is scaring me.
So, I have been avoiding the obvious.
I’m leaving soon.
Not forever.. only for a year. So, my question to God the last few days has been, “Why is that so terrifying?”. I’ve not dealt with a lot of those feelings around my departure up until now. Why would they just now be surfacing?
It’s easy to ignore change, or the need for change, until it is right in front of your face. It would be simple for me to be excited and focused on leaving, but not necessarily what or who I’m leaving. Sure, during the holidays I was a little sad and nostalgic about it being my last holiday for over a year with my family. But I didn’t wrestle fear and uncertainty like this.
On my drive home from work yesterday, I started talking to God about all of this- a conversation I had been avoiding with Him for weeks. I started with my calm and collected self talking about how hard it suddenly was, and explaining why I knew it would be hard, just not knowing why that would be hitting now. I went from being a calm and rational human, to a blubbering mess of tears and words that weren’t making any sense. I am SO LUCKY that God knows what I’m trying to say even when I can’t get it out, otherwise He would’ve been unraveling that mess of a conversation for awhile. The words I could finally push out made me feel like a child. Up until that point, I hadn’t let myself just be His child when I was spending time with Him, or allowed Him to show me what it’s like to start letting go of my current season. I’d been holding on so hard that when reality began setting in, when the last few months of my current season started rushing at me, I refused to acknowledge it was happening. This created a tension in me, unwilling to start the process of letting go, yet trying to prepare for leaving.
By all means, I am not perfect. I’m on day 2 of finally talking to my Father about all my fears of letting go, and He is still relaying new things to me, reminding me of truths I have known but pushed away. The beginning of Ecclesiastes 3 says, “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven. A time to be born and a time to die. A time to plant and a time to harvest. A time to kill and a time to heal. A time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance. A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. A time to embrace and a time to turn away. ” There’s more to this verse, but a lot of this has spoken encouragement to me in the area of seasons. There are seasons for everything. It’s not always meant to be easy going out of one season and into the next. Most of the time, it hurts. I’ve not been through a season where it was easy to leave and painless in the transition. Anything that has been worth it is not simple to walk away from, no matter how many trials it brought you through.
This last three years have been worth it. They have been hard, they have been heartbreaking, they have been full of identity crisis and full of discovery of true identity. They have brought me both great pain and great joy. They have given me friends that I will have with me the rest of my life and they have taught me what it’s like to say yes to God even when it doesn’t feel good, look good or people doubt you. I’ve learned so much here, and the difference of leaving this season compared to any other is that I made this place my home. I’ve been burned into the worst form of myself and built back up by God in a way that makes the ashes of my mess beautiful and whole. I’ve seen His hand evident in my life in ways nobody could fabricate. I have experienced more joy here than I have in my entire life – and that is even with all the pain I’ve endured. Finding joy and learning that it is always mine to have has been one of the greatest discoveries in my Father that I have made. There a million more things I could say of this season and why it’s so hard to leave- but it comes down to the fact that I love what has been built here, and it’s home to me.
Yet in the innocence of all those reasons, God is calling me to trust Him even more, and find home in Him, not in places. Just because I’m moving on does not mean that I lose what is here, or what has been built here. Moving into my next season means that I take with me what God has built here, and then He continues to shape it into something that even I couldn’t imagine yet. He continues creating a masterpiece in me until I breathe my last breath. I get the honor to go forward into a brand new part of my journey with part of my heart in one more place, with more people in my corner than ever before, and it doesn’t mean I lose any of that – I just get to love it from afar for a year. I get amazing places to come home to, I have incredible family and friends to return to. I’m able to go into ALL the world and love people the way that my Jesus has loved me. I’ve got it pretty good — and that is the understatement of the century.
Tackling the obvious head on now, no more avoidance.
