I will be home in two and a half months. My family and best friends are thrilled about this.
Personally? I’m excited, looking forward to being home, spending time with the people I love, and being surrounded by the familiar once more. But there’s another emotion there too. Fear. I’m not ready for the race to end. I’m not ready to go back to “real life.” I’m not ready to move forward with my life, because I’m not sure what forward looks like.
The past nine months have been amazing. There have been hard moments, yes, but I wouldn’t trade it. This year I have seen God work in ways I’ve never before experienced. God has grown me in ways I wouldn’t have imagined. Where do I go from here?
I wish I knew.
What’s next?
I’m not sure.
I personally have no answers to these questions, so I’ve taken them to God.
This is how He answered me:
“Be still, and know that I am God!”
Psalm 46:10a (NLT)
Being still is not one of my strong suits, but, since God told me to be still, I gave it a day. For 24 hours I abstained from watching movies and TV shows on my computer to fill my free time, and instead spent my time talking to God and reading my Bible. I gave God all my worries (and told Him how hard just being still is for me). He reminded me that worrying does no good – and more than that worrying could lead me to making bad decisions!
“Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who carries out evil schemes. . . Do not fret, it leads only to evil doing.”
Psalm 37:7-8b (NASB)
Ok, point taken. I need to be patient. Rest in the Lord. Not worry about what my life will look like after the race. But how will I know when I’ve “been still” and “waited patiently” long enough? How will I know when it’s time for me to act, to make decisions about my future? God answered that question, qualmed that fear, as well.
“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my eye upon you.”
Psalm 32:8 (NASB)
As my day went on I slowly started letting go of my worries and fears. I gave them to God as I remembered how well He’s orchestrated my life to this point. He’s brought me to where I am now, in ways I myself never would have thought possible. Why do I find it so hard to completely trust Him with my future and not make decisions right now? Because I’m afraid that if I don’t get everything figured out before the end of the race, I’ll somehow be missing out on something when I get home. My life somehow won’t be as complete as it should be if I don’t have a perfectly formed plan.
Once I finally figured out the root of my fear, God reminded me of how pointless it was.
“. . . But they who seek the Lord shall not be in want of any good thing.”
Psalm 34:10b (NASB)
As long as I’m seeking God, I’ll be fine once I get home. I don’t need to have the next step of my life all figured out. In fact, I shouldn’t. Over the next two months I should just be focused on two things: my relationship with God and where He has placed me right now. Worrying about what’s next has no place in my life.
“The steps of a man are established by the Lord, and He delights in his way.”
Psalm 37:23
