I’m not going to lie—I romanticized the Race. I imagined a year of playing with orphans and building churches and rescuing women from human trafficking. I imagined smiling faces and hugs and women desperate to be rescued. I imagined making a difference in a community by blessing them with our hard work in building a church.
While some of this is true, there are some hard truths behind my romantic imagination.
Every Wednesday in Nepal we played soccer and games with street kids for four hours in the morning. They were all smiles and laughter, full of hugs and high fives, but I noticed there were only street boys. At first I thought maybe the ministry is working with an only boy orphanage or something like that. But I later came to a horrifying realization that the reason there are only street boys is that the girls don’t last long on the streets. There are no street girls because they are taken from the streets and trafficked. That realization ignited the beginnings of a brokenness the Lord wanted to take me through. I left that first Wednesday of February determined to change these boys lives, which is the exact mindset that the Lord needed to break me of.
The next Tuesday was a huge Hindu festival honoring the god Shiva. Worship involves getting high and drunk. The ministry we did on Tuesday was interesting, but that is another story. Walking to the soccer fields on Wednesday morning, our host said that the kids would probably be hung over because of the festival and so they might be late. Sure enough the boys started trickling a half hour late and some of them didn’t show up at all. This hit me really hard. These kids are 7-17 years old. Then, while we were playing, a group of about six kids left the field, and we asked the host where they went. He said they went around the corner to sniff glue because they don’t allow them to do that here.… These are children!! My heart broke. What am I even doing for these kids? What does my presence here do for them? I felt helpless. I got angry. We fed them and they left. As I watched them leave I got really angry. They leave and go back to the streets, while I leave and go back to my four-story flat. They leave not knowing the next time they will eat, while I leave and go cook grilled cheese for 14 people. They go back to their lives on the streets, selling drugs, begging, or stealing, while I go back to the coffee shop to get wi-fi to check my e-mails. I was mad at life, at circumstances that are beyond my control; I was mad at God, who in an instant could wipe away all their suffering. I didn’t understand, and I like to understand.
But my God is not a god of confusion. I argued with Him about what I was feeling. I asked Him to reveal to me answers to my questions. I talked it over with my teammates and they came alongside of me and poured into me in my struggle. But ultimately I needed God, who could fix my brokenness. This is what He said to me; “There is sin in the world, Alyssa. There are things people do that I hate. But I do not hate those people. Contrary to popular belief, I love them just as much as I love you.” Well. My mood didn’t change instantly. But I began to think about these people the way that God thinks about them. I started seeing the sin separate from the sinner. They are all children of God, just like me.
The next week at soccer I saw these boys as princes. They were no longer dirty, smelly, rough street boys; they were clean, beautiful, and sweet. I felt love for them that I can only describe as love from their Father. A Father who likes to include everyone in His fun, and yes God likes to have fun!
I played with orphans and realized we are all orphans until we experience the love of the Father.
I’ve laid some concrete to build a church that will take two years to complete, and realized I am the church, that we the people are the church, not the buildings. Everyone I meet is potentially the next “brick” in the wall of Jesus’ church.
I have met a prostitute, and she had no desire to leave her job. I realized I met many people who are in bondage, tied down to the sin that enslaves them, but I can do nothing for them—they must desire freedom on their own.
I realized I am the orphan, church member, slave who desperately needs Jesus. What more can I offer than the testimony of a sinner who has overcome the guilt of sin by the blood of Jesus?
“They triumphed over him [Satan] by the blood of the Lamb [Jesus] and by the word of their testimony.” – Revelation 12:11
God not only redeemed my anger, but He revealed some things in my life that I needed to work on. Things I needed to be reminded of each day. He redeemed my anger and sorrow and exchanged them for joy and laughter.
It’s not that hard.
