I'm standing in the back of the sanctuary, watching the company dance. All I want to do is be up there with them. A familiar pain rises in my chest, a combination from the ache of desire and the pain of unworthiness. I’m just not good enough, somehow, someway. I’m not good enough to go to Japan with them or minster through dance around the state, what I desire to do the most. Am I just not a good enough dancer? Do I work hard enough? The comparisons flood. I feel second best, I see a desire and a goal that is unattainable. I’ve asked so many times. I’ve told the Lord so many times how much I wanted this, I started asking for it when I was 8. I saw what now are my best friends on stage as a young girl and told Jesus that I wanted to be up there with them. But it hasn’t happened. I am told verbally that it was prayed over, and that I’m just not supposed to be in the company. Why God? Why do I have this desire if it’s not supposed to happen.
Now I’m standing next to him, him and the girl he now likes. The familiar pain rises. We are good friends, the best of friends. He comes to me for wisdom, to talk about God, to hang out and have fun and even to talk about other relationships, but I am not good enough to be his girlfriend. I’m good enough to talk to all the time, good enough to share the struggles of his heart with, but not good enough for him to pursue. He doesn’t love me “like that.” Why God? Why do I have this desire that is unattainable? Am I not pretty enough? Once again, second best, comparisons rise and somehow I’m not enough to have the thing I want the most. Once again, I’m forced to look at what I want and can’t have daily. Daily I have to die to my own desires and work out loving to the best of my ability. Daily I do my best to give my desire back to the Father, but it doesn’t seem like I’m even doing that good enough because the pain keeps popping up.
Oh, it sounds so selfish when you say it a out loud, “I desire this, why can’t I have it?” Why do I have to go through this pain, this impossible situations wherein what I want is seemingly dangled in front of my face, yet completely out of reach.
And now my heart turns towards my Father…. WHY?! Why do I keep being put into situations where I can’t escape from a desire that isn’t supposed to be my’n, or so I think. These desires are good, right? I’m supposed to want to get married, to be loved. Is it bad that I want to use my gifts to their fullest? To travel the world and use my gifts for you? To be a part of something, an identity rooted in something I can name.
Company member. Girlfriend.
These are just two names that have been brought up in the last week. I cringe because I know there are more identity words that I have craved, longed for, that I haven’t received as I wanted and therefore, they created a hold over my heart where my Father seemingly failed me. Where to my eyes, he didn’t answer His words. He told me to delight myself in Him and He would give me the desires of my heart. So where are the gifts because I do delight in Him, at least I think I do.
The question rises, “Is being a daughter enough?” Yes, being a daughter of the Most High is enough, but sometimes it just doesn’t feel like it’s enough. There are still pieces of an orphan lingering within the heart of a daughter.
So I will continue down this path, down memory lane. Down into the tangled mess of roots that have crept into the depths of my heart. Roots with names like unworthiness, comparison, worthlessness and jealousy. I will continue down, even though it’s painful. Even though I don’t understand, I will continue to go down there with Him and I will choose to trust.
