I have a confession to make,
“If I want to be known as the doer of something that has proved the right thing, or as the one who suggested that it should be done, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
If I crave hungrily to be used to show the way of liberty to a soul in bondage, instead caring only that it be delivered; if I nurse my disappointment when I fail, instead of asking that to another the word of release may be given, then I know nothing of Calvary love.
If in the fellowship of service I seek to attach a friend to myself, so that others are caused to feel unwanted; if my friendships do not draw others deeper in, but are ungenerous (i.e. to myself, for myself) then I know nothing of Calvary love.
If I make much of anything appointed, magnify it secretly to myself or insidiously to others; if I let them think it “hard”; if I look back longingly upon what used to be and linger among the byways of memory, so that my power to help is weakened, then I know nothing Calvary love.
If the praise of man elates me and his blame depresses me; if I cannot rest under misunderstanding without defending myself; if I love to be loved more than to love, to be served more than to serve, then I know nothing of Calvary love.”
– Amy Carmichael
I’m guilty, I’m guilty of each of these things. Not just in the past, the “old me”. No, these nasty pieces of self have each reared their heads in the last day, week or month. I’ve been selfish as a squad leader, I’ve wanted to be the one who is used the most, impacting the most. I’ve wanted to be needed, to have a level of praise attributed to my name. I’ve craved affirmation from man above God’s.
I’m not talking about a love language kind of affirmation here, I’m talking about a heart issue, a root of selfishness.
The other day during worship, I heard the Lord say “Be wary of selfishness. Be full of selfless love. This is not an emptiness but a fullness. Pour from this fullness. Be filled”
I’m ashamed to admit that I was quick to bring the word to my fellow squad leaders, just in case they were being selfish. I browsed quickly over the word for myself, but didn’t search, didn’t allow awareness to sink in. Then after worship we started to listen to a sermon, the message was about the heart. One of the first verses of the message was James 3:13-18;
“Who is wise among you? Let them show it be their good life, by deeds done in humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such “wisdom” does not come from heaven but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who sow in peace reap a harvest of righteousness.”
Even then, it didn’t sink in fully for me yet. No, that happened on a 6 hours bus ride (thank God for long bus rides) and just now, when my heart reacted wrongly once again, when I wanted it to be about me.
I don’t have a conclusion to this blog, no real finality. No nice little package of a story, simply a confession, an awareness. My word was for me, not for others, I needed awareness of my selfishness. And now, like He said, I need to be filled.
Thank goodness I have Christ, loving me right by my side, speaking to me and filling me in every way. Thank goodness for the Holy Spirit, who offers me an abundance of hope, a filling of joy and peace. Thank goodness for my Father, who is full of compassion and mercy, who is eager to draw His child closer to himself and show her the way of love.
