*I haven't blogged in a long time, but I felt led to share some of my most recent thoughts. I pray it is a blessing to all who find it.
There has been a lot of things that have happened over the last year and half that I don’t understand, a lot.
It feels like my lack of understanding has only increased since singing up for the Race, where once upon a time I thought I knew, and now I don’t. Now I can’t give explanations for things, “I don’t know” frequently crosses my lips. So many questions, not many answers.
Why this? Why now?
Why I am receiving things I didn’t ask for nor deserve? It’s not fair.
Grace
Mercy
Love
Forgiveness
Hope
I don’t understand them, and I don’t deserve them.
His faithfulness
His Holiness
His Nearness
His Power
His Justice
I don’t get it, I don’t understand.
Why did he create me? A child who is able and willing to break His own heart. Why didn’t he stop with the stars and the galaxies, created to pour forth speech day and night, declaring praises 24 hours a day. Why did he continue on with me? Why did he want me so much, why did he call me? I am so small, so insignificant. What is my life that he has ordained it, that he knows every step of it. That he guides me into a plan and a purpose. Who am I that he should not only be my savior, but also my friend? Why would such a great God, care for me so much? Why would he go through such pain, just to save me?
I don’t understand.
I don’t deserve this love.
Yes, there are many other questions. Questions of pain.
The questions of the world are hard, and I can’t explain them either. I can’t explain poverty or slavery or sickness or death or heartbreak or abuse or betrayal. I can’t explain or give a clear answer to the problems I have seen or faced myself, but nor can I give an explanation for forgiveness and grace.
Wondering why the world is as black as it is, why love is so small in some people’s lives. The great depth of pain in this world can not be diminished or understood. We each walk a journey that intertwines our lives with pain and we all wonder why.
A few weeks ago, all my questions were questions of pain, questions of want. Utter confusion at the sate of my heart and life, what I was seeing and feeling.
Now, Grace has swept in and shown me the innumerable riches of His love and mercy.
The questions of pain will always be outweighed by the question of Grace.
The weight of His goodness overshadows every darkness and pain.
We don’t deserve Him, no one does. We as such small humans, like grass on the earth, don’t deserve to inherit the Kingdom of Heaven. We don't deserve for him to walk our lives with us and carry our burdens, our sins and our pain. He doesn't deserve it, we do. We deserve the punishment for sin, but He took it instead.
So I ask that you look up. In the moments of pain, in the times of poverty, in the seasons of want, look to the unfair example of the cross. His promises are good and true even in the darkest of nights. He is here and He is faithful to you. He loves you. He has called you. He will never leave you and he has a plan, he will work all things to your good. I can’t explain your pain or understand why it has happened to you, but neither can I understand the way He loves you.
And that kind of love will always leave me in awe. I will never me able to grasp it or explain it, because it simply doesn’t make sense.
He is a God that I can’t fully understand, and I’m so thankful.
