I don't know how I ended up here, sitting in a McDonalds, crying my eyes out. I don't care about the stares right now, I'm not even aware of them. How did I get here? I don't know and that's the problem, I don't know.
"I don't know how", I mutter through the sobs.
My sweet companions comfort me.
"I don't know how to just be right now. I don't know how to love as a squad leader. I feel so aimless, so useless, not belonging anywhere with no direction. I don't know how to do this."
At the root of my tears and distress is just this, I don't know how. I don't know how to be the squad leader that my squad needs or deserves. I don't know what this role is even supposed to look like, so I don't feel like I am excelling in it at all. I don't know how to give myself 100% to something that I cannot define.
I was a good team leader, I knew how to do it. I knew how to love my team, how to talk to contacts, how to address issues and how to seek the Lord in it all. I'm not trying to say that I was perfect or things ran great all the time, but at least I knew when I was being a "good team leader" and when I wasn't. This, this is all new. I feel out of place, aimless, useless.
"Just be, Alyssa"
Just be? How do I just be? How do I function out of an indefinable set of responsibilities? I've never done that one before, I don't know how.
I like definitions. I like positions, responsibility and structure. I like each of these things so I can gage where I am in the middle of it all, so I can check things off and know if I am doing a good job or not. With squad leading, I have no idea about anything anymore.
My fellow squad leader, Lizi, smiles big. "You're at such a good place!", she exclaims. "You don't know how to do this anymore and must rely fully on God."
That's for sure. I've been reliant in the past, but I guess that place became comfortable, so I had to move up into a new level of unknown.
I've always said that I am glad I serve a God I can't define or put limits on. A God that doesn't work on formulas or limitations. The thing is, I seem to like to function within all of those. This undefinable position, this no formula to get there and not even an end goal in sight, role of squad leader is completely different.
"Alyssa, If you want to know how to be you, how to love to the best of your ability right now, just follow me. Model your life, your squad leading, after me. Be led by me."
And so I give up. I let go of one more sob, one last little bit of pain from feeling like I wan't fulfilling a particular role and gave up the idea that I needed to. I don't need the picture perfect definition of what a squad leader is supposed to look like because I have a picture perfect Man to model my life after instead.
I smile a thank you to my two companions and a few minutes later we are back to work on what squad leading looks like for today. For today, it means taking advantage of free and fast wifi at McDonalds. It means setting teams in place for future ministries and checking on our team leaders and their teams. But today, more than anything, it means the start of learning how to function outside of a set, defined role. It means loving even when you don't know who you are loving or how. It means following a Man above a title, a position or expectations. It's a little painful for today, but I know it's out of brokenness that we find our true healing.
