I have a major, almost risky confession to make. Here it is…
I do not want to go on the World Race.
Let me explain.
About three weeks ago, I sat down to write my support letter. I put a lot of time into it, and upon reading it back, it sounded so fake. So not me. It did not capture my heart for this calling I was sure God had for my life. I started to feel very unsure of everything I had been working toward and sharing with people about the World Race. Doubt and panic set in as I thought about leaving my life, job, family, and future plans behind. Loneliness joined the other emotions as I thought back on the general response from my family members. I knew they were feeling uneasy about me pursuing this, so I asked them for complete honesty.
“What do you really think of me doing this? If you could choose for me, what would you do?”
The responses I got were along the lines of, “Stay/finish school/it’s a scary world out there.”
And can I just say that I appreciate the love and concern of my family, and yes, I completely, wholeheartedly agree with them. I should do what makes the most sense. I should stay in this country because honestly, I am a little scared of what’s out “there.” I should finish school so that I can find a great job. There are a lot of things that are on the “should list.”
But when God speaks, it is hard to ignore Him. Even when you try really hard to turn Him down and turn up what sounds great to you. Plans that will further you and benefit your success in life. Believe me, at this I am a professional! And over the last few weeks, I came up with a few alternate plans that could easily replace my World Race. I begged God for one of them to sound better to Him, worthy of substitution for what He clearly presented to me 4 months ago. Through these times, a story we’ve all heard over and over suddenly sounded a little different to me.
It is the story of a young girl who was told she was pregnant with God’s son. A girl who had plans already. Plans to marry a man, and probably plans to have a family someday, a few years in the future. Her fiancé came up with his own plan to protect himself and the woman he loved from embarrassment. In the book of Matthew, it says: “Because Joseph was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly. But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, ‘Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit.’
I totally understand Joseph’s situation. I completely relate to concocting my own plan to remove myself from whatever seemingly enormous, insane thing God wants me to be a part of; a plan that will still be good but a little safer, one that will help me to be more successful in the eyes of those around me. But what if switching plans means missing out on what is conceived in my heart from the Holy Spirit? How could I possibly divorce myself from what He has placed in my soul?
During this process of searching my heart, I had a great conversation with a very wise man, my senior pastor. After hearing me go on and on about my uncertainty and fears of the Race, he said, “Bearing fruit takes time. Much longer than we are usually willing to wait.” How true, especially for me. When I don’t see things happening, when I live in an attitude of impatience, or when I feel overwhelmed and scared, I just chop the droopy, Charlie Brown-esque growth down. But my goodness, the best things take time to flourish. And in the case of Mary and Joseph, I am sure it was a long and awkward nine months of people talking, staring, and thinking she was a little “off” for her talk about carrying God’s baby. Well, I also have about nine months ahead of me until the Race, and in this time of growth, I resolve to walk in His promises, to take on His plans, to agree that He is for me. To rest in the knowledge that He has gone before me and worked out everything.
Know what led me to putting all these pieces together? After I had heard the thoughts and concerns of those closest to me, and after feeling like a drowned rat from immersing myself in this overly-saturated social media age, I retreated. I closed my door, opened my Bible, and literally got on my face before Him. And just like any visible human sitting next to me at the table, when I close my big mouth to listen, He speaks to me.
First, I voiced my fears to Him. I told Him how scared I was to go, but to also come back 11 months later. I told Him that I was going out of my ever-loving mind trying to come up with a plan for 20 months from now. Bet you He laughed at that.
Then He spoke, and I cried a river because He was speaking to me, and just like that-
There goes the fear.
Like I said, the “Alyssa Should” list is a long one. And maybe to some the World Race sounds outlandish, unwise, or too extreme. But about 18 years ago I accepted Christ as the Lord of my life at 6 years old. At 18, I told Him I wanted my life to be used for His purposes. At 19, I wept over my Intro to Missions notes in college. At 21, I heard about the World Race for the first time. At 24, He nudged me to go. Sometimes the things He places in us take years to come to a blossom, because only the good things take time.
It’s true: I do not want to go on the World Race. It is not what I would have chosen for myself. I can show you my list of other plans. It would be easy to peacefully ask for a trial separation from His plans and purposes and go my own way. But what would I honestly gain from that?
Lord, I am still in this union of my heart to Yours, and because of that, I am terrified but ready to take on the good days, challenging days, in sickness and in health. For richer or for poorer. I vow to follow You, even when You lead me to places that scare the heck out of me. Because what You have conceived in me will be born and grow into something amazing. Bearing the best fruit takes time.
I am still in this.
