I have had many desires and mostly every one I’ve found I’ve taken. If I wanted to eat a whole cake I would eat the whole cake. If I wanted to travel the world I would travel the world. The race has changed apart of me. When all I desired was a hot fudge brownie sunday it wasn’t to be found. When all I desired was a nice hot shower and maybe just a couple minutes alone, I couldn’t have it. Somedays all I wanted to do was look pretty but I was out working the land all month. My showers were in cold damp places where the mosquitos lived. My clothes hadn’t seen a washer or dryer for months and stretched out to the point that they fell off of me. These were all different things I had to experience but they were easy for me to give up.
But then there was something I wanted so badly. It gave me security, love, and comforts. I was so excited to have it to myself. But then in my times of prayer, I would hear the word no. I would hear him say I have different plans for you. There are many times where I didn’t listen. Things were good and if I stopped so would the love, security, and comfort. I started to wrestle with saying no. It would keep me up at night. And I couldn’t get it off my mind. I always said I loved God more than anything. I thought I trusted him with my life. By me not listening to him how could I love him? How could I call myself a follower when all I did was run my own way? I had to surrender this desire. I didn’t do it in the best way and I messed up a few too many times. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and it still makes me sad to this day. It shook up my life and now I have nothing to rely on but him. I have no clue where to go or want to do. I feel blind and alone most times, but I’m willing to let him lead.
Somedays are easier than others. Some are filled with me telling God to suck it. Followed by tears streaming down my face just hoping someone would steal my bag. Then I would have a reason to beat the crap out of someone. Other days are me singing and dancing with love for him. Eager for the un expectant. But my hands are open and it’s a constant battle not to close them again. It was easier knowing and seeing.
