Usually I only talk about this up to a certain point. I’ll tell some people but not others. But most of all I try for it to go unnoticed. This wasn’t new on the race. It has been something I have struggled with for as long as I can remember.
At our very first debrief in Guatemala we had time where we could open up to our squad, tell them what things we were going through so we would no longer go it alone, so that we could support one another and not feel trapped, or alone, in our struggles. Many people opened up the first night. I remember sitting in that little cramped room, on the floor, with 40 odd people who were going to be my family for the year. I remember praying but not really feeling called to share anything specific. At the end of the night we were told that we would have the opportunity to share the following night if we wanted to. I still didn’t really feel like I had anything to share.
Then it happened.
Jason was standing up and put his hand out to help me up. My immediate thoughts were along the lines of, “heck no.” If he helped me right then he would not only be able to see everyday that I’m fat, but he would feel how heavy I am. In one gesture I realized what my struggle was. The thing I don’t open up about, but it affects everything I do. The way I dress, what physical things I am willing to try, what/how much I eat in front of others.
Eventually after a long awkward pause I let him help me up. At the time no one around me realized what a big deal this was for me. For me it was a huge leap of faith. I decided, then, if I was going to call these people family for a year I needed to be able to trust them. That was my first step. That night I asked Jason if we could talk. I told him how God had just used him to speak to me, to show me what I was struggling with and holding onto. Also, how terrified I was to say anything to the whole group. Jason encouraged me and prayed with me. I told him I would think about sharing the next night.
The next night came and went but I didn’t share. Every time I had a chance I used some silly excuse in my head and chickened out. “If you talk about it that is all they will see when they look at you.” “So many people struggle with body image, this really isn’t a big deal.”
After we went back to our hostel for the night Tara and I were talking before bed. Slowly, I took another small step in faith and opened up to Tara about the depth of how this makes me feel. I am one of those people who processes and discovers things while I am talking. Talking with Tara that night I realized for the first time how deeply I hated my body and how that effected so many other things in my life. I had let this have such control over me for so long that I had developed a skewed view on life. Everything I did and saw was done from a stand point of believing that no one could ever want me or love me because of the way I looked.
The next night was our last night to share if we wanted to. I didn’t want to. Not at all. But, I knew this was something I no longer wanted to struggle with. I didn’t want to try to hide all the time. I so clearly felt God wanting me to open up to others about this. So I started talking. I tried to convey how I felt. No matter how I phrased it, I didn’t feel like I could properly express myself. I had said something the night before to Tara that really captured the depth if my feelings. Logically I knew saying this sounded horrible, emotionally I had believed this lie and many others like it for years.
“No one would even want to rape me.”
I explained how in past situations people had asked me to not walk certain places alone or at night. I disregarded what they said. I felt so undesirable that those circumstances wouldn’t apply to me. That my outward appearance was so horrible that not even a rapist would want me. I lived based on this lie for years. Finally, in Guatemala I had the courage to speak it out, not walk it alone, and begin to let go of this lie.
This year we are so blessed to be the hands and feet of God. To go out and help people all over the world. But, this race we signed up for also is a catalyst for a lot of personal growth. With God, our squad, and our teams we have the opportunity to lean in. To gain freedom from past hurts and try to become more and more like Jesus.
It was nine months ago that I started opening up about this. I can’t tell you that I always love the way I look, but I can tell you God is working on my mind and heart. Somedays by a baby step and others by a leap I am starting to understand and believe in my worth. God is changing me physically, emotionally, and mentally.
I want to make sure that this translates into my life when I get back home. I want to keep growing in my understanding of what God says about what is healthy and beautiful. This has been a theme in my life for far too long. I am ready to give it to God and not look back.
