I turned slowly back to face him. I couldn’t look up at him, but I could feel my walls coming down as I began to speak. I took a deep breathe, “I’ll tell you honestly, my heart it hurts, its been hurting for a while now. I feel silly and am frustrated with myself that this has gone on for as long as it has. But, when someone shows you what it looks like to be valued and worthy of being cared for and then runs in the opposite direction, with no explanation, it starts to eat away at you, those lies that have been spoken over me become true in my mind and it makes me believe that there is no redemption to this story, no hope. The things that you have told me fall to the wayside and the question of, did I really even hear you right, starts to seep in too and with that just more doubts and confusion. Now I’m more fearful of the future then I ever have been before, I’m more scared to end up alone, unloved and unwanted. Was I mistaken? Was this all just a lie? What hope can I possibly have, when it seemed like your hand was orchestrating it, yet it all came crashing down as it did? What was even the point of it all?” Finally stopping, I realized I hadn’t taken another breath, I sat and just stared into the fire for a moment.
The Good Shepherd took a deep breath and sat down as well. Leaning forward, he grabbed my hand saying, “My Beloved, look me in the eyes when I tell you this.” I hesitantly brought my eyes to his, knowing that I’d just start the waterworks again. “I want to tell you how sorry I am that this happened to you. You live in a fallen world where none of this was in my design. But, know this, there is redemption to this story, there always is, for that is the reason I sent my Son to die for you. I would never leave you at a climax moment to dangle there just wondering. Yet, it is sometimes in the dangling that there can be found truth. For you see, yes I brought that person into your life for a reason, maybe it was just to show you a glimpse of how I see you and value you and maybe it was for another reason. And even though you are frustrated with not knowing, that’s where the excitement is. For in that you can have hope that I’m not finished with your story yet, which my dear I am far from it. I cannot tell you the struggles of anothers heart, maybe one day they will be brave enough to tell you, but know that whatever they are going through, their own battles of doubt, insecurity, fear, are all part of their own journey. Trust the process I have them in, but most importantly where I have you. Believe me when I tell you I am preparing you, I’m molding you and shaping you into the woman that I desire you to be and whom will be able to love the one I’ll place before you so well that it’ll be clear that this gift was from me.”
“My Beloved, you are desired so fully by me. You have been given the gift of encouragement, and are able to see the things inside people and speak my heart to them. Don’t ever stop growing and pushing into that. For you are going to give that to the one I place before you. Trust me continually for I would never lead you astray, I’m pushing you forward into further giftings and into further and deeper intimacy of my heart. Deep calls out to deep. Remember that, the depths in which I am calling you to are the same depths I am walking you through. I would never take you on a journey alone, no I go ahead and alongside and I remember you. For I am your Rock and your Salvation, so whom should you fear? Hope in me, for the things to come are far more exciting and far better than any you leave behind.” When he spoke these things I could truly see that he meant every single word. That he would never leave me or forsake me, rather continually show me deeper depths of his heart, and why would I not run towards that?
After a moment of soaking in what he just told me, I said “Even though, I may not understand the things you are doing and even though I don’t have the answers to my questions, this I can be sure of that I will see the goodness in the land of the living, for where you go I will go and where you stay I will stay. I will rejoice and I will declare that you are my victory through it all and your praise will ever be on my lips. For even though tears come at night, joy comes in the morning. For as a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, my soul thirsts for the living God. My hope is in you.” By the time I was finished I had a big smile on my face and I ran and embraced the Good Shepherd. “My love, this is what I desire that you find your delight in me, no matter what your trials are or situation you are in, find the blessing in brokenness. For there is one to be found always.” “I know that there is,” I said, “Its just hard to see sometimes and I need you to open the eyes of my heart to see that. For I know your promises find their yes in you. That is why it is through you I can utter Amen and to you be all the glory!”
He looked down at me again with those same gentle and warm brown eyes, he whispered softly in my ear the words my soul and heart longed to hear again “I love you.” This time my heart leaped with great joy and thanksgiving for this lost sheep had been found again. For the Good Shepherd took the time to find the one that was wounded to bring her back to the place of acceptance, to the high places of his Kingdom so that there would be much joy and laughter again. He ran after her, so that she might truly understand how he accepts her with great joy and love, for his perfect unconditional love drove out her fear that day. “Nothing else matters in this moment,” I said, “only to love you and to do what you tell me. I don’t know quite why it should be so, but it is. All the time it is suffering to love and sorrow to love, but it is lovely to love you in spite of this, and if I should cease to do so, I should cease to exist.”
Epilogue:
Today, I bet you could go out by her cabin in the wooded area and see a scene of joyful banter, a warm fire and a sweet aroma of love that filled each soul that lived there. For as the Shepherd promised he gave to her. However, that longing she had was only met when she truly found Him whom her soul loved and held Him and would not let Him go. For He was her Beloved and she was His, she came to understand that day His perfect love cast out her fear, how His banner over her was love and that’s all she needed. Sure she had struggles still but when fears, doubts, worries, and longings seeped in she would still go to the bridge and sit on the railing. But, this time she would sit with a peace and joy in her heart, for as she would look at the setting sun, the rays would dance off her face, the wind would lightly blow across and she could hear the sweet gentle whisper “I love you.” She would stay there till the last of the sun’s rays left the earth and would wait for the moon to show and watch as the stars started to appear. And as the day turned to night she would always have a song in her heart:
I am my Love’s and he is mine,
And this is his desire,
That with his beauty I may shine
In radiant attire.
And this will be-when all of me
Is pruned and ured with fire.
The Good Shepherd had taught her that day when He came to her that she had to be refined, that He was not finished molding and shaping her the way that He saw fit. For He knew far before she did, that when she was to receive the promise He gave her long ago, there wouldn’t be any doubt in the world that it wasn’t from Him. All of the refining, preparing, and shaping, was for her benefit. How could this be so? It was to aline her heart so closely to His that she would be so lost in Him that the only way for someone to find her would be through allowing the Good Shepherd to capture their heart as well.
And to this day you will hear a sweet harmony of song drifting down the river as the sun sets. A simple song that sings of how their hearts are so captivated by the One who calls them by name, that it was true only He could have fulfilled such a promise to them both.
Bless the Lord oh my soul,
Oh my soul
Worship his holy name
Sing like never before
Oh my soul
I’ll worship your holy name
