I’ve never claimed to be the smartest kid on the block. In fact I did NOT want to hold that “boring title”. I associated being smart with being boring. I thought you could either be an athlete or a bookworm. And I chose to be the outdoorsy, muddy, sporty girl for sure! I basically despised book learning and tried my hardest to not learn too much. I prided my self on being dumb, because I thought that made me cool!
I sure was foolish!
I no longer think it has to be one or the other, smart or fun. I now enjoy learning all that I can… and doing everything exciting that there is to be done.
This past month in Cambodia I felt the effects of my foolishness as a child. Our main ministry was teaching English to youth.
On my first day teaching I was pressuring myself to do as good of a job as my other teammates who had taught before me. But as I tried to explain the lesson on the white board I was having great difficulty spelling the subjects. I got more nervous and felt like a failure. I couldn’t even spell the word “snack”. My mind was a jumbled up mess because of my fear of disappointing my team. I felt unable to teach as I wanted to. Class was torture to me.
I began to rethink my life dream of home-schooling my own children some day.
I wondered if I was capable of giving my kids the education I wanted them to have.
I felt soo stupid, and I was not proud of it!
I thought of all the times my poor spelling had gotten in the way of my saying what I wanted to say. Often times I have to re-word things because I can’t spell what I originally wanted to say, and it’s just too difficult to figure it out. Being unable to spell has changed my personality in chatting online, and now also in teaching.
I asked my team for prayer because this whole incident had really gotten me down, and I was really being hard on myself.
The next day I was lead teacher again.
I did not have the confidence to teach, and it was showing. My spelling seemed even worse, and I needed the approval of someone else to know that I was explaining things correctly. I was constantly asking my teammates opinion. In an attempt to help, they were offering suggestions even when I didn’t ask. Each time one of them spoke up, my confidence dropped. I figured I must be failing if they need to help me out so much. I feared what they were thinking of me and my ability to teach. I was down on myself and defeated again after class.
Annee and Ashley noticed my distress and sat me down for a chat.
They spoke life and truth into me. They encouraged me that the kids loved my interactive teaching style. They affirmed me that I am very intelligent and know many things on a vast spectrum of knowledge. They assured me that they do not mind helping me spell whenever I need it. And most significantly, they showed me that my knowledge is not defined by the way I spell. I have the knowledge that comes from the Lord, which is far more important than being able to spell.
I took it all to the Lord. He showed me that I was comparing myself to others. I had an unreasonable fear of man. I needed to go back to making jokes about my spelling and not worry so much. I needed to be confident when I teach and humbly ask for help when I needed it.
I put this into practice the next time I taught. It was GREAT! I had fun, the kids enjoyed it, and the glory went to God.
I have since been trying harder to pay attention to the way things are spelled. Spell check has become a tool rather then just time consuming. I am learning more, but I still ain’t never gonna be spelling bee queen :).
And Mom, a special “thank you” goes out to you. I’m sorry for the many times I got frustrated with you when you wouldn’t just answer my question. I hated when you made me THINK and try to sound a word out. Now I know why you did it, and I thank you for trying. You were a GREAT teacher; I just didn’t always WANT to learn. Mom, you also taught me things that REALLY matter. I KNOW THE TRUTH, and the TRUTH has set me free! I love the Word of God and have a good understanding of what it says.
Thank you and I LOVE you Mom!
Proverbs 9:10 The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom: and the knowledge of the holy is understanding.
To all my fellow speller peeps who feel like the guy who made up our English dictionary had a brain fart half his life, keep going at it. Other people get a kick out of the way we correctly spell the way a word sounds. They’ll never know that we’re the right ones, but that’s ok. Half the fun is being the only one :).
