I briefly mentioned in one of my previous blogs that this one would be on the way, so here it is.
Me and two of my other squadmates that were also Beauty For Ashes Coordinators had the opportunity of putting together an event for the ladies at our previous host’s church. Our other squadmates stepped in to help us serve the ladies also, even the guys, they did children’s ministry so that the moms could relax. The outcome of the event was beautiful and the ladies received so much freedom. We washed their feet at the end and they decided to honor us in return by washing the three of our feet for putting on the event. The biggest part was that a Muslim woman gave her life to Christ, but please pray for her marriage and that her family would follow her.
The theme of the even was worth and identity. My beautiful squadmate friend Kaci shared her awesome testimony about how God spoke worth into her life and for the first time I shared my testimony about my identity. I had a lot of doubt about my impact on the race at the beginning of last month and God showed me a lot after disconnecting and through this event about why He called me to be here. I am so thankful for it, enjoy my story below.
My identity got hit when I was just a child from just about every direction you could potentially imagine. I wasn’t born to a Christian Mother that could tell me that I was a child of God and that my identity rested in Him alone. So, instead, my identity was given to me through the eyes of the world around me.
I was born to a white mother with the help of my black father. In the United States that was a problem, whites and blacks weren’t always fond of each other. Our culture has been evolving but the color of my skin doesn’t so the word “Nigger” became part of my identity.
I suppose I was ignorant to the fact that somehow my life was my fault as if I had any authority in the choices my parents made or that I was undeserving of kindness and love.
My father was escorted from my life before I could even recollect that He existed. This was the beginning of the next hit to my identity. My stepfather swooped in before I could tell the difference and my almost normal life was nearly perfect until one day the curtain fell and the truth painted the stage of my life mat grey; it became dark and dull.
At the age of ten, it’s time to step up. I thought I was a sister, Why am I playing mom? Go to bed, is your homework done? You’re not my mom they said … I know, trust me I replied, but someone’s gotta do something I figured.
I began trying to fill the voids in my identity and while trying to recover the missing pieces of my father a dominance rose up in me and feelings for females took over my young body. In an attempt to cover it up I did things that young girls should be taught not to do, but I wasn’t so my identity now became … hoe.
When the hoe was molested she wondered why she tried to hide who she had always been in the first place … gay. Here we go with all these labels, how do you identify her … she never knew.
The world felt like it was closing in on her from all sides, so she did what she thought was best to do … no longer hide who she was. She thought she was taking a stand, fighting back ya know, except now she hid behind a tough attitude and some loose clothes.
No one could take the false confidence she had now built around herself, the walls of insecure identity rooted in the ability to fake a smile. Until one day she mustered up enough courage to fall to her knees in the comfort of her bedroom and call for a God she was unsure of to come to rescue her.
Don’t worry, I know I referred to myself quite a bit in third person, it’s because I am no longer she. I endured her trials and pain and they definitely tried to predict who I was or would be, but you see that day in my bedroom God actually came and saved me.
I questioned a million times why He didn’t come sooner but He answered me with visions of tattoos, better yet Testimony’s. The stories of my life painted on the canvas that He made just for me. Not easy to believe I know, but I walked it and it shows.
Here we go, identity phase 5. I get looks like I am some gangster. I walk in a church and get looks as if I don’t know our maker. Except when I encountered Him for myself He schooled me on the fact that He is my creator and He told the Devil, you can try if you will but nothing in this world can any longer shake her.
My identity has been hindered but the Father has stepped in to break down the false concepts of what life threw my way. He took my identity and planted it in His heart. It is grounded in His love for me, He sent my brother Jesus to die on a cross for me … He showed me that’s my identity … a part of His family.
He brought me deliverance, so all I am besides Tatted Testimony is Free … a Child of God is the residence of my identity. God what was it all for? A time such as this … you see ??
To see the reaction of the women in the room, the tears, the shocked looks, the hugs and words of encouragement showed me just how much my story matters to people who don’t even know me. It confirmed exactly what God had been speaking to me for years that I just couldn’t see at the time, “For Such A Time As This”.
Being that we talked about identity, we used the story of Ester. A Jewish Queen that had to hide her nationality from her King, suppressing her identity. My story is not identical to Ester’s just as it is different from every other person reading this blog, which is the awesome part. God made us all so unique. It may at times seem as if it has little meaning or is full of insignificance, but one day God pulls it out to reach someone else around you and suddenly it all makes sense. Trust God with your story, no matter how great or not so great that it may feel, to Him we all are significant. So significant that He created us to be Us … only one me and only one you. He takes our ashes and exchanges them for beauty.
One of my coaches, Mike Benson, shared part of his testimony with us at our last debrief about his scars and shared a pretty awesome quote with us. It read, “Your story is His glory. Share it with the world. Don’t hide your scars, wear them as proof that God heals.” -Jarrid Wilson
That is so real and it is something we should all embrace in life. I used to be so ashamed of my story and full of regret, but God stepped in and offered me His grace and forgiveness for my sin and shame, now I am grateful for my story. I pray that if you are experiencing any shame, guilt, regret or doubt, that you would allow the Father to redeem it and uses for good. Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Thank you so much for reading, please feel free to share. I realize more and more that you never know what someone needs to hear, but that through obedience you allow God to use you to deliver what He has for them right on time. Much love beautiful people, be blessed.
