The difficulty of leaving home to travel the world is interesting in its own way. No matter how independant you are….it eventually gets hard. The honeymoon phase ends and you are left feeling completely confused…..in fact that might be one of the only feelings you have. You realize that you aren’t feeling anything really…..the Holy Spirit seems to be taking a rest; your brokeness seems to be on hold; and what makes you passionate is silenced. So, what does this mean? Maybe this doesn’t happen to everyone…….I never thought it could happen to me.
I’m not homesick per se; but I am thinking more about what I left and what will never be the same. Yes it hurts, but it’s also beautiful in its own way….the fact that you are fulfilling God’s plan. Do I think that it’s beautiful when I wake up in the morning for a day of ministry……not really, this month anyway. How odd it is to wake up with a perplexed attitude for the day ahead. How easy it is to focus on how hot it is, how early it is and how late you went to bed, how tired you feel, and how desperate you are for some alone time. I don’t want to feel this way…..so I pray. I pray for more of the spirit and less of the flesh; I pray for softness and patience.
We were not called to live our lives in the past, or to live a life of complete comfort. There is too much work to be done, to much brokeness to be mended, and too many lost and voiceless people out there. I believe that God silences our ‘feelings’ at different times in our lives and maybe even silences His voice. Are we abandoned? No way! However, it is our choice on how we handle this weariness, this confusion. We can be bitter, angry, and hurt; falling into a deep hole, where we hold our hearts hostage. Or we can Trust and give it all to our Father; who more then likely has some crazy fancy plan for this particular season we are going through. We may not see the benefits now, in a month, or even in a year; but eventually the ‘aha’ moment will come.
“For God is not a God of confusion but of peace….” 1Cor 14:33
How much more do we rely on Him in our weakness and weariness? If we don’t, well we should…….the growth and strength will be so much more. It makes me wonder about all the idols surrounding me in Malaysia. Do these alters, with offerings and candles burning, really bring people comfort? Do they offer hope for the future, for the afterlife? I know where I want to be when I die and that’s with Jesus; not with a wooden box with a plastic idol in it. I think there is more comfort and rest in a Saviour then in man-made material.
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
