Today is my 31st birthday! I am blessed to be spending it in the beautiful country of Laos. Currently, I am sitting in a coffee shop, surrounded by friends, with a view of a perfect sunny South East Asia day. In this moment, I am completely happy.
My birthday has notoriously NOT been a happy day for me these past few years. I have generally been disappointed, let down, or simply forgotten. That’s how I’ve felt anyway. Not that people truly forgot. My family always remembers (although birthdays have never been a big deal in my family). My close friends remember. Every other year or so my best friend, Amanda, manages to get a gift in the mail for me, which makes me feel super special and loved. (My record of sending her gifts is probably worse. Love you Manda!)
To be honest, my birthdays have been about normal for what an adult should expect. Facebook posts, happy wishes, a phone call from various family members, etc. So, as I sit here, so happy with this current birthday, I wonder why I have not been happy on so many past ones. Finally I realized, I have only myself to blame. My family and friends have been supportive, loving, and great. But I have been unhappy within myself. And, honestly, upset with God.
When I was young (sometime in highschool) I wrote out my dreams and goals for the future. I had BIG dreams. My plans were to do amazing things for God. I wanted to get married early, be a missionary overseas somewhere, go on crazy adventures, experience awesome things, have/adopt lots of kids, meet lots of people, etc. Somewhere along the way, these dreams/plans didn’t work out. Some things were my fault but much of it, I realize now, was simply not what God had planned for me.
If you know me well then you probably know that I LOVE plans. I love making plans, talking about plans, and putting plans into motion. I need a plan and I need to know where the plan is taking me. I hate it when the plan doesn’t work out. It frustrates me. (This is something that God is definitely stretching me in this year!) I think this is why I hated my birthday in years past. All I could think about was that my current circumstances didn’t line up with those plans I had made so long ago. So I would feel frustrated, angry, disappointed, and sad. Many times I have even ended my birthday with bitter tears cried into my pillow. But I never knew why. I never allowed myself to explore the reasons for all these feelings.
Until today.
Today I am happy. I am content. I am at peace. Not because my friends made a big deal out of my birthday (my team has made me feel VERY special already today but that is not the reason), not because I am on an adventure, not because I am in another country, not even because I am currently in a coffee shop with great coffee, wifi, and air conditioning. So I asked the Lord (who knows the deep things of my heart so much better than I ever could), why am I happy today when this has not been a happy day is so many years?
I am happy because I KNOW that I am exactly where God wants me. I have not always made the best choices in the past but my Jesus has redeemed those wasted seasons. I am also learning to recognize the seasons that were in God’s plan even though I couldn’t see it at the time. God is showing me that some of the seasons I have regretted most were the times when He was most pleased with me. Some of the choices I have been most ashamed of were the choices that lead to amazing growth both spiritually and emotionally. Growth is never easy and it can often look like a waste of time but God works all things for the good of those who love Him.
Today I look back on my 31 years of life and I am proud of where I have been and where I am now. I know the Lord has loved me in every season. I trust that He is leading me and I am learning to trust Him for whatever comes tomorrow.
Thanks again for everyone who is partnering with me both in prayer and finances! I met my February 29th goal and am now looking to my next deadline. On April 29th I need to be fully funded at $16,362. I’m not worried about it. I know God has brought me here and will provide everything I need as the need arises and I thank you all for keeping me in mind!
