The day before our debrief in Cambodia my team leader, Jessie shared with my team that next month we would be working at a bakery in Hanoi, Vietnam. Our host had read our ministry bios and had planned, quite enthusiastically, for me to help update their website with new photos of their products. A host wants to utilize my passion for photography? Woohoo!
Now I am 17 days into doing product photography and I can tell you my current opinion is not “woohoo”. There were two days of honeymoon when all of the gooey, pink glaze on the donuts collided with the morning light through the front windows and I couldn’t stop clicking. Then I needed to make a light box to take pictures of bags, belts and stuffed donkeys and I had a soggy box, a rusty scissors, damp poster paper and cloth used to make curtains. (Cue the first time I’ve missed Walmart.) The light box was born and it did its little job. Two days later the box had started to rip under it’s own weight and the poster paper taped inside had vanished. The next day I was told by our host that I had not been taking pictures of the right items. I didn’t know how I was going to take website-worthy pictures of large clothing items in cramped quarters without any quality lighting.
Then there was the Beatles concert. Ok, I love playing guitar, but I don’t really like Beatles music, or at least I had never dabbled in it. At the request of our host, we were to put on a concert of Beatles music for the community to bring publicity to Donkey Bakery and help staff plan events. Well after a week of work we had taken a few steps forward but none of the songs were smooth and we were constantly looking for the right key. (The Beatles were men and rockstars. We are women and have a loaned cajon, a guitar, a egg shaker and loaned keyboard.) After practicing every day I was left growing more and more discouraged by our ability to perform at a caliber remotely close to what was expected of us.
On top of this, homesickness was starting to pop into the picture and senses of inadequacy were slowly seeping into my everyday thoughts….. You don’t really know what you’re doing with photography… You are definitely going to disappoint people. A vicious cycle had begun. I wanted to say I was being humble, but nah, I was standing in a river of doubt and letting it sweep me out to sea.
Then on the busiest day so far (given, a schedule I had created myself) and my heart would race occasionally, praying I would get to all of the things on the list. In the middle of the day my team leader decided team time should be an ice cream break. She bought us chocolate to go on top of our ice cream. Jessie knows about my nut allergy and so I trusted the chocolate to be nut free. Falso. My second allergic reaction was in the books and hazelnuts the culprit. However, my day became suddenly wide open because I let the adrenaline run its course and then I needed to chill out. No plans for me. No group photos. No photography workshop. No logistics meeting. No Beatles practice.
Guess what happened while I rested? No one was angry with me. No one pulled me aside to tell me I was messing stuff up. I was setting all of the expectations on myself because I needed everything to be great. At home I would pray before meeting with a family for a photo shoot. I prayed that I could see them as God does and that the photos would reflect that. In Vietnam, I’ve used my camera like a crutch for my worth. I don’t see things I photograph as someone’s beautiful creation that they poured into for hours in the hopes of making enough money to survive.
I’m thankful for a divine appointment with some hazelnuts to make me stop and remember what my skills are meant for.
My worth is in Him and Him alone. To quote my favorite song that I’ve sung on the race so far, I will keep climbing this mountain with my hands wide open.
