Training camp finished 30 days ago.
Launch is in 20 days.
I have 6 more days with my dog.
I have 4 more days of work.
And I have 24,560 feelings and thoughts about it.
First off – I never wrote about training camp. It was so emotionally draining that when I thought of being responsible and tying my hands to my laptop in order to reflect on it a few days after it ended… I just couldn’t do it.
I was able to put together a nice instagram caption though, and I’ll just include that here. When asked, “how was camp?” this is my response: “Everything I expected…and not what I expected…simultaneously.” I expected to be that tired, but I didn’t expect my people to be SO kind. I expected to cry and laugh, for sure did that. I was as sweaty as I imagined I’d be. I left my emotional comfort zone as I told people that their deepest fears were safe with me – but didn’t expect how free that’d make me feel. The word came alive, more so than it has in years and I didn’t see that coming. I worshipped – by taking photos of other people worshipping, AND shouting til my throat asked me to stop. I trotted my way through the fitness hike next to the most encouraging band of weirdos known to man. All in all, I ended training camp more full of life than I started, and I didn’t expect that.” Thanks, God.
Since camp, I have been in constant transition, and it’s been incredibly hard. Like, EXTREMELY harder than I thought it would be. One day, while slightly wallowing, I asked the Lord, “but really, why is this affecting me so badly? I transition ALL the time.” to which he showed me, “Not lately.”
I did not realize I haven’t been this stable for this long since I was 16 years old, aka 10 years ago. At 16, my family moved from Minnesota to Kentucky. I went to a new high school for two years. I didn’t really bond with my high school in those two years, because the first year I was in a state of survival, and the second I was preparing to go to college. Upon graduating I moved two hours away from my parents in Louisville to go to Western Kentucky University. I lived in Bowling Green, Kentucky for the next 4.5 years (yayyyy extra semester). Those 4.5 years are obviously longer than the 2.5 years I’ve been in Gainesville, however, college isn’t stable. Every semester looked pretty different (yayyyy late degree change), and I never lived in a dorm/apartment for longer than 9 months. Add studying abroad + summer camp jobs, and you get the picture = always transitioning. After graduation I went on the World Race. HELLOO moving every month.
Then I arrived in Gainesville. While here I haven’t lived in the same house the whole time, but I’ve gone to the same workspace everyday. Same general schedule. In the last 10 months, I lived in The Cabin, the first home I’ve actually loved and felt a sense of belonging to since I left Minnesota when I was 16.
Why is all of that back story important?
Because you must understand where your pain comes from in order to let it go. Now that I know why this change is actually way heavier than I expected, I can give it the attention it deserves, and stop beating myself up for struggling.
There are two things I’ve been learning in this process.
-
The greatest tool in transition is gratitude. A mentor told me once that even the mediocre days have something to be thankful for within them – and this feels like a giant month of mediocre days – not because I don’t feel blessed by God, but because goodbyes are just flipping hard. Leaving tasks to my work family to figure out doesn’t seem kind. And I’m going to break my dog’s little spirit in a week when I drive away. But I’m thankful nonetheless: for having friends that listen, for new opportunities for growth for my creative team, and for friends who want my little dog for a couple months. Gratitude changes atmospheres and it is a choice.
-
Another friend told me once that, “Something that’s bought is not easily sold.” Meaning, things that you fight for end up having more value to you. For example, when you own your faith, as opposed to just receive it from your parents, it’s worth a lot more and you’re not as willing to just abandon it. So, V Squad, you best believe that squad leading is not coming easy, and I am wholly buying into this, so I will give my all to you. All of this sacrifice will be worth it, because you’re worth it.
I’ve moved out of the cabin, and said goodbye to my second and last class of CGA friends. I’m living with my friends Evan and Aimee for a month – they’re the best, most gracious people. I also have a new doggo roommate, named Buenos. Maybe tolerates him.
I’m working on transitioning out of the marketing family. There’s no one at the moment to completely take over my job, but the hiring process is underway. I’m doing my best to delegates things. Truly I have one of the best work families in the world, who have been so gracious to me.
I said goodbye to my parents. They helped me move out of the cabin and put stuff in storage at a friend’s place in NW Georgia. They’re heroes, and my biggest supporters, and I couldn’t imagine not having them in my corner for all of the crazy things I do.
So how’s life been in this inbetween time? Really, really hard. But I’m thankful for it.
