Right now, I have everything.
I live in a beautiful house with a community of Jesus-pursuing women on some of the prettiest land I’ve ever seen. Every morning I walk my dog as the sky turns from pink to blue, and listen to the birds sing. I watch my dog sprint through the dew soaked hay fields.
(Maybe enjoying the morning frolic)
I go to a job that pays all of my bills, and work with people who serve tirelessly to get more people on a trip we believe changes lives. After work I spend time with my friends eating great food, sitting on porches lit with string lights. Sometimes I film weddings, or take photos of other precious moments.
That’s my life 95% of the time. It’s an invaluable season of healthy community, and professional development.
But, lately I’ve wondered if it’s not enough.
This friction has grown inside of me – all those these things I have are good, but is this right?
There have been two experiences in the last year that I can’t shake, and they’ve had a huge effect on my feelings today.
First thing –
In February last year, I had been working for Adventures for over a year as a video producer. I was sent out to document World Race Gap Year (3 continents for 9 months, for 18-20 year olds), specifically J Squad.
I rolled off a strange jeep in the mountains of northeast India, (truly a remote place in the middle of nowhere) and was greeted by 12 racers drinking tea and eating cookies for breakfast under a multi colored tent. For 8 days I was immersed in the hilarious, joyful, bizarre, and genuine gap year culture. My experience went WAY beyond what I happened to film. I shared my testimony, led a feedback communion and was radically changed.
By the end of the trip, I think I said out loud “I could squad lead.” Before my feet touched American soil, all of the logic and difficulty of committing to that settled on top of me, and I let it go.
(team time Gap J)
Second thing-
I was asked to be a house mentor for CGA last fall. CGA is a program for alumni – for a semester, alumni live in Gainesville and learn leadership tools and build on the tools they received while on the race.
I said yes. I moved into a house with room for 10 and lot of land. Well, who should predominantly sign up for CGA? Gap Year alumni.
For 5 months, my house was filled with the same hilarious, joyful, bizarre and genuine people. I promise it wasn’t all kittens and rainbows. There were hard conversations, conflict and a couple nasty biology experiments in the fridge. I poured all I had into these people, and some days was totally wiped out. My extrovert tank ran on fumes. I was challenged to lead with vulnerability in a new way. For the first time in my life, I was about “how can I help?” not “what can I do?”
(The Cabin girls – Fall 2017)
The semester ended, and I was sad to see those weirdos go. I thought to myself, “I wish I had more time with them.” A new semester of CGA began, and again I’ve been challenge and loved – however, it’s not enough.
OH WAIT. I’ve felt this before.
You know when someone’s talking to you and you nod, but you’re not actually listening? Lights on in the house, but everyone is actually hanging out in the backyard?
That’s me.
Not once, BUT TWICE, the Lord has given me an opportunity to give all that I have to a young adults, and both times it’s the most alive I’ve ever felt.
The list of difficulties to leaving hasn’t changed. However, at this point it would be flat out disobedient to God to ignore this opportunity to encourage another generation.
So here it is.
In September I will leave for 9 months to squad lead for World Race: Gap Year.
I expect for it be way harder than I could put into words now. I have already cried about not waking up to walks with my little oreo colored dog. I will miss my incredible friends. I will long for no one to need anything from me at times.
If there’s anything I walked away with from my own World Race in 2015 it’s understanding that life is about one thing: “Listen to God and do what He says.”
Here’s to me listening.
