I don’t get it.
I don’t understand why I just completely shut
down in that conversation.
Fight or flight? Yeah, that was definitely me
in classic flight mode.
It doesn’t make any sense. The conversation
wasn’t directed at me.
It wasn’t even about me.
really deep buttons or pulled some serious triggers.
Welcome to a conversation with myself in my head. Inflect a little
frustration or anger in with the previous words. Recognizing my
reactions in a situation without understanding a valid cause usually
brings those feelings to a certain degree. The now healthier side of
this has come with directing this frustrated, possibly angry
conversation in my head to the Lord. Go check out some Psalms before you
judge. David did it.
I thought I was over
the hurt.
I didn’t think those triggers were there anymore.
Why? Why in the heck is that my reaction? I thought I
dealt with that.
I’m worthy of being fought for.
What does that have to do with this? Wait a minute, that’s not
what tonight was about.
I was feeling just the opposite.
Oooohhhh….wow.
Paradigm shift happens when I realize the trigger behind the shut down, frustrated, anger tinged response. I realize something…
I’m hesitating because I don’t know if this
would make sense to an outside eye. Share this with others. Sure, why
not. Well, maybe because it might not make sense. Someone tell me if it
doesn’t.
I am worthy of being fought for.
(Pause)
I am worthy.
(Another pause. Frustration and anger are slowly dissipating.)
Wow. I actually believe that’s what the Lord says about me.
Even
if that’s not what I feel others might say about me.
And I’d rather
believe what the Lord is saying. So…ok.
I’ve been creating my beliefs about myself from the people and situations around me. Not from what the Lord is saying about me.
So in a conversation where I was reminded of the past and the lies of
“You’re not worthy� started to creep in, I threw up a wall of defense.
Well, actually in reality I totally checked out of conversation, started
playing “Frozen Bubble Plus� on my phone and went home early.
While climbing the stairs to my apartment, as I hear the thoughts of “I’m worthy of being fought for� click in my spirit, there is a reaction of peace
and settledness (spell check is saying ‘settledness’ is not a word. But
it’s describing my life, so I say it is a word). Peace is coming as I’m
learning day by day to recognize where the frustration, anger or shut
downs are coming in. Replacing what I’m believing about myself through
circumstances or other people with what the Lord says, what He calls me.
It’s good. It’s hard. But it’s so, so good.
