Yeah, I came on the race for the wrong reasons.
Okay, maybe not ALL the wrong reasons but,
I am realizing now that my reasons for coming were mostly selfish. It honestly started with knowing for a fact that I didn’t want to go to college but wanting to do something for Jesus. Adding to that I wanted to travel, I wanted to SEE the world. so obviously, if you add those two things together… Jesus + Travel = mission trip!! but I didn’t want to just go somewhere for a week or even just a month. I wanted to make disciples! To make disciples you have to make relationships, REAL relationships. To make real relationships you need to actually spend time with people and invest. So, I was on the search for a long-term mission trip. I searched for a good year. Really I was just procrastinating, a flaw I am really, really good at. After looking into some different options a co-worker told me about the world race. I really didn’t spend much time at all thinking about it. I eventually just applied and suddenly interviews were happening and it all became real. Well, not totally real, I don’t think it became fully a reality until I was in Costa Rica. But leading up to the race, if I really think about it, if I am100% honest with myself, my reasons weren’t the best.
Yes, my desire to make disciples and serve around the world was still there but my focus was more on who I was gonna be at the end of the race, emphasis on the “I.” My focus had completely turned to me. A lot of people kept telling me how I was going to be a different person and that the race was gonna change me and on and on. Now I just wanna say, I am in no way putting the blame on anyone. Honestly, there isn’t any need for blame, it isn’t anyones fault. But, I started looking forward to the me that was gonna come home from the race. That girl that was gonna be so on fire for Christ and only want to pursue Him, and maybe she wont be awkward anymore, she probably wont even care what people think which people will probably think is pretty cool. Kinda contradicting, don’t ya think? Now I am not trying to say that looking forward to this was the worst thing ever but it wasn’t the best either. It took my focus off of what is truly important.
Now here is another issue with the whooooooole situation. I AM LAZY! Like reallllly lazy. For some reason my brain thinks that things will fall right into my lap. I am not the best at working towards things. Looking back, this is pretty much throughout my whole life. In school, I didn’t really care or try, I just assumed that eventually things would click and make sense and it would all come naturally. With learning Instruments, I didn’t wanna practice but figured that, with time, I would get the hang of it. With my relationship with God, I thought that as I got older and matured it would just instinctively develop into this deep, amazing relationship. But I didn’t put any time or effort in it. I really didn’t even process any of this till this month on the race, month 6, when I realized that I don’t feel like I have changed. I also realized that I haven’t attempted to. It was another thing that I just thought would happen. That I didn’t have to do anything. The last 5 months, yes I have learned things and have grown, but I am lazy with God. I assume that I will have this crazy yearning to spend time with Him, but until then I’ll just do my thing. I go through the motions. I am wanting this crazy transformation at the end of the race. I am wanting to be this on fire, Jesus-freak. But I am not even trying to be that now. I am consumed with thoughts of comparison. My mind is most of the time on ME. I know that taking the step to be on this race was me putting work into my relationship with Him. But man, is it easy to fall in to old habits. Procrastination, choosing Netflix, music, friends, or rest over time with Him. I had this mind set that I would come on the race and read my bible everyday because I wasn’t able to get through the day without Him. But that is not the case. I am living in countries where life is not much different then it was in the States. I live in a nice log house with working toilets, water I can drink, an actual bed. Life is normal. I have to find a way to make yearning for Him apart of ‘normal’ life. Now the fact that my desire is to desire Him is a step in the right direction. I just have to act on it. Not just think that things will just fall into my lap. I want to work for it. I really think realizing all of this helps. I see where my flawed thinking was and I am so ready to change it. Not to become that different person so people will think I am cool because I don’t care what they think. But to put my focus on making disciples again. To becoming one with the Father. A lot of the time our relationship is one sided. Just Him pursing me and me brushing it off. But I am ready to actually dive into a real relationship with Him. Be His disciple and spread His love. That is why I am here, and that is what I want to do.
If you have been praying for me, would you continue doing so specifically that I will pursue an intimate relationship with Christ daily. That I would yearn for Him everyday. That He is the one I am solely relying on. Pray away the spirit of laziness!! I am so thankful for everyone that has kept me in their prayers!
That is about all I got! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. If you would like to subscribe so you get an email anytime I post, just click the orange “subscribe” button and put your email!
Much love, Ally
