This month has been HARD. Hard spiritually and physically. I feel like God completely broke me this month and is, currently, putting me back together. I struggled with this growing up and I’ve been struggling with it this month. People calling me big. In America, calling people big or fat is a insult and here in Ghana it’s not a insult. They mean it as a compliment but unbeknownst to them they are insulting me and hurting my feelings. This has been happening all month long. I found that people who call me big either say it innocently or maliciously. I have found few people who say it with innocence but I have found a lot of people who say it with maliciousness. It does have an effect and it is negative. It has brought up insecurities about me and my weight. It has brought up feelings of disappointment, anger, shame, and self doubt. Like I’m not good enough or I should just stand because the chair won’t support my weight.
That is not trusting in God. That is giving fuel to the negative fire. I want to be on fire for God at all times and give fuel to the positive fire. I don’t want the Ghanaian people to see my weight when they first meet me. I want them to see me when they first meet me. I want them to see my love for God, my kindness, my gentleness, my randomness, and to see how funny I am. I want them to see how beautiful and strong I am on the inside not the outside. By turning to God for this, I have found peace and forgiveness but I’m not gonna lie, I’m still struggling with hurt feelings. My teammates have been awesome and have been nothing but loving and supporting during this hard time for me. I love them even better for it. They always say to replace something negative with something positive and they couldn’t be more right. God is my foundation and I have found strength in turning to Him. God is so amazing and I can’t wait to find out more about Him this month.
Love and miss you guys!!
In Christ,
Allyson Miller
