I have realized two very important things about myself.
I like acceptance and I hate rejection.
Sounds like most of us here. The problem is not these feelings in and of themselves, the problem is the source from which these emotions arise.
When I gave my heart to the Lord, I stepped into a place where His worth and all He had to say reigned. Where His definition and His goodness were what defined me.
He accepts me for all of my broken pieces right now. He never rejects me even when I fall.
When I gave my heart to the Lord, I gained acceptance and pushed aside rejection.
So, why do I still struggle with these emotions?
Today, I sat with one of our hosts in a ski lodge eating apply pie. She went around the table asking each of us for our gifts and talents.
When she came to me, I paused and realized, I had nothing to say. I couldn’t even remember what my gifts and talents were- only what others had spoken for me.
I was suddenly convicted, what were my gifts and talents-not from everyone else, but given by the Lord?
Later that evening, I took a good hard look at myself and realized the effort I had been putting into pleasing the people around me-meeting their expectations and living up to their standards of talents or gifts.
In that, I had lost sight of me, Allyson.
I had died so many times to my wants, desires, hopes, dreams, talents, and gifts, in an effort to keep the peace. This kept two things in check: kept me from rejection and encompassed me in acceptance.
I moved often as a child and was placed in a new school each time. Each move came with the opportunity to start over fresh-to be whomever. Arriving at a new school, I would begin searching. How can I fit in the best here? What clothes are popular, what do the “cool kids do, how do I get everyone to like me?
By high school, I had this down pat. I could fit any mold a person put upon me, from bank geek to badass. I learned what it took to have everyone like me.
And when they didn’t, I knew how to change.
Through this-I lost myself. Roles defined me, and words people spoke to me reigned as truth.
You see, when I live my life fitting the molds of those around me, I loose sight of the creation the Lord made me to be.
When I came onto the Race, I found myself meeting expectations once again.
When I sat at that table- I knew something needed to change.
I want to die to myself-not in surrender to this world, but in surrender to something greater.
The Lord created me and me alone for a specific purpose.
When I continue to define myself by roles, words, or earthly definitions, I am ignoring the unearthly statements of the Lord dwelling within me.
Jesus says that the world will not be pleased by our actions as followers. Look at the disciples. People hated them because they weren’t meeting their expectations.
Peter was crucified upside down, James was arrested and killed with a sword under the reign of King Herrod, and Thomas was ran straight through with a spear.
But, if the disciples had lived a life pleasing to the people, many would have never heard the name of Jesus.
Stepping out of pleasing others is hard. It is coupled with a new found confidence in the Lord.
It is accepting His love above all other loves.
It is looking up before looking ahead.
And it is acknowledging the amazing creation I am.
It is stepping into His purpose and stepping away from my plan.
How unfulfilled is a life looking to meet the expectations of man?
Never can I meet them all.
And never was I designed to.
