Over the past few days, I have been overcome and surprised by the generosity of those around me.
This past Sunday I spoke at my parents’ church here in town.
A simple 10 min. talk- for which I almost peed my pants.
I spoke once at the 8:00am service and once at the 11:00am service.
After both services, there was a line of people to talk with me.
People were handing me money out of their pockets, and others were offering words of encouragement and prayers. Young men and woman gave me their contact information. Others shared advice and passion. People whom I had never met before.
It was completely and totally AWESTRIKING!
A homeless man who attends the church came up to me after the first service. He told me his story- one of hardships and struggles. A story of which he was trying to make “right” in his eyes. He had been kicked out of his home and was currently saving up money to have a new apartment. The problem was, he was passionate about volunteer work, and that didn’t lead to an enormous profit.
He encouraged me in what I was doing, he hugged me, and then told me he wanted to contribute to my mission.
I can’t tell you the amount of humility I felt at that moment.
I almost refused his gift, told him “No, No.” He was saving. That money was for him.
But, I didn’t.
I realized that Christ was working through that man’s gift just as much as the gifts of those who may have a few more dollars. And I shouldn’t refuse his generosity.
He brought to me $5 in a small white envelope.
I cried later than day thinking of how unworthy I felt of all that had happened.
How do I deserve such generosity? How do I deserve such encouragement?
I mean, look at me.
I am not worthy.
I am not kind enough, not spiritual enough, I don’t give enough.
Sometimes I lie, sometimes I hurt those I love.
I am irrational and irresponsible.
I’m not worthy. Absolutely not worthy.
I struggled with this feeling for a few days as I continued to see people give to this mission. I kept asking
Lord, Why me? Why am I experiencing this gratitude and amount of giving? What do these people see in me that I just don’t see in myself? I am not worthy of these gifts, this support.
And then I realized. We are not worthy- but Christ has made us worthy.
“Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation.” -1 Colossians 1: 21-22
Each and every day I struggle with myself. My terrible and broken ways. I feel unworthy of others’ generosity, let alone the generosity of Christ.
I want to turn down gifts, turn away compassion and kindness- and let me tell you, I have run before. I want to yell, “Do you know me? Look at me! Look at how much I suck daily! Give to someone more worthy than me!”
I want to withdraw in shame and guilt. Robert McGee says in his novel “The Search for Significance”
“Our perception of success and failure is often our primary basis for evaluating ourselves and others. If we believe that performance reflects one’s value and that failure makes one unacceptable and unworthy of love, then we will usually feel completely justified in condemning those who fail, including ourselves.”
And in these situations- That is exactly what I am doing.
While I judge myself as unworthy- Christ judges me as the opposite.
He sees me as worthy of death.
Worthy to be his.
Worthy to receive every gift he has to offer- the kindness of a friend, forgiveness, grace, acceptance, encouragement.
The truth is, God doesn’t give us those gifts based on a tally mark of the good deeds.
He doesn’t put us in order of most-worthy to least-worthy.
Everyone has failed, but amazingly we are still acceptable to God.
I am worthy.
I am.
We all are.
As I continue to be blessed in so many ways by those around me, I am humbled with gratitude.
He called me here.
And He is providing where He called me.
And I have this amazing opportunity to witness the kindness, love, and care of those around me.
I am honored by this opportunity.
And humbled because I am so not worthy! So not!
But, he says I am.
As always: Thank you all for giving your love, support, and encouragement!
I am incredibly blessed!
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